So, yes, today's big news sent me into a momentary breakdown and made me question my entire existence (aka the Internet) and live
blog it in comments
. BUT apparently there was some other big news today that had something to do with the Stock Market and the Fed. Which really underscores something that is sure to send me into a complete breakdown somewhere down the line: MY GENERATION IS ECONOMICALLY AND ENVIRONMENTALLY FUCKED
So look, there's about 6.45 billion people on the planet (tying into today's other news item: ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! AND LOTS MORE OF IT, PLEASE!), and by the time I die (assuming I don't kill my self or overdose on sleeping pills) it'll be about 9 million. Meanwhile the available resources are dwindling. Not a good situation. Listen guys, I know you all think you're awesome and have the myspace friends to prove it, but, holy shit, your genes aren't that great and really you only need one mini-me. The environment can't stand your kids anymore than the people in Target when they're screaming around the store about not getting Hannah Montana tickets. Brad and Angelina have the kind of DNA you'd kill for, but they only pumped out one Pilloh Shitt. Tie your tubes, or got to Costco and get a jumbo jar of ru-486. Maybe you'll go to Hell, but at least you won't be contributing to turning Earth into one.
Maybe that's not enough though, because the fucking Baby Boomers have already done their damage. "Oh hey guys, guys, so w/e lets live like we're the only fucking generation to ever exist. We'll all drive SUVs and invest in real-estate like it's some intangible stock and the price of housing doesn't have any thing to do with how people live, and pretend like no music will ever be better than The Beatles". Greatest
Generation? Really? They gave birth to this fuckheads. I have to get a job in 4 months, and they've elected the Douche Bag supreme, the embodiment of all that's wrong with his generation
, George W. Bush and got us involved in some mother fucking war instead of investing in like electric cars or hydrogen jet packs or some shit, and I'm not going to get the cushy media job with generous benefits I so obviously deserve.
Idk what we're going to do, my bff Jill, but here's some ideas:
1. We all turn gay. Did you ever wonder why since if we've had Gays since the begining of time it took them a couple of millennia to finally come out of the closet? The reverberations of the civil right movement ...or the awesome plan of a holy being. Look, if Gays got married they could adopt all the babies that didn't
get aborted. They also spend like crazy, and they hate that tacky Chinese shit. Gays love love love USA Made stuff, like American Apparel briefs. That could turn us around right there. They also don't eat junk food, y'know 6packs and all. Another thing is that they love to live in cities...
2. The rich need to stop turning big cities into their personal playgrounds. Do you know how expensive it is to live in Manhattan? Too expensive for people with kids to live there, and the ones that do turn into Gossip Girl incarnate. So all the people
who can't afford Marc Jacobs bags for their twelve yearolds are forced to spread out in the suburbs and settle for Marc by Marc. The point being is that cities are actually good for the environment. Mostly because we're impacting the hell out of one tiny spot instead of impacting the purgatory out of every desirable piece of soil we can. Plus people don't need to commute to work and burn gallons and gallons of gasoline. The Japanese live like that. I mean really if we all lived in giant towers the terrorists probably wouldn't have crashed into those two.
3. Let's stop being so dumb. Our schools are shit sacks. "Oh, you know how to read and do your algebras? Yay, you're so smart. We didn't leave you behind, did us?" I think we need to install American children with an appreciation for opera and a conversational knowledge of 20th century art. These are the people that read Vanity Fair
and are easily guilted into pretending to care about the environment. These are the people that spend $30,000 on an outfit to go out to spend on a $5,000 charity auction. These are the people that are easy to make fun of, yet not in a way that makes me depressed about humanity, but still in a way that lets me assert my superiority. In any event they don't go down to Jena to protest MLK Jr. Day with a saw-ed off shot gun. We'll just have to make sure they aren't giant hypocritical assholes like their current iteration ("Oh, well I recycle my evian bottles, but there's no way I'm ever giving up flying charter").
Basically we need to all become Homosexual Urbanist Pseudo-Intellectuals. Either we'll save the Earth or bring about the Appocalypse that much quicker and put us out of our collective misery.