5 People I Wish Weren't On The Beach: Display and Observation On South Beach

Crowded beaches, South Beach especially, carry a not-so-subtle undercurrent of casting you as audience or performer. We can't help but oogle others in their swim suits, while being terrified or excited that others are judging us in ours. With a hundred people situated on the beach all facing the ocean, the shoreline becomes a sort of stage. Some people take this notion way too far. Here's a list of some people I witnessed doing just that today:

1. Frisbee Guy, you were doing things I didn't know one could do with a frisbee. Hey, when you made it ride your lip that was pretty cool, but the thing is you're on-the-lower-side-of-morbidly obese, old, and hairy. It's cool that you still remember tricks your crazy uncle taught you when you were 12, but the fact that you were so very concentrated on doing them, and that you were totally alone was depressing. Maybe some one would come up and talk to you if this was a park and you were fully dressed, but face it you're going to have to juggle like 5 flaming frisbees to get someone to get over the site of you hairy man-tit and acknowledge you.

2. I witnessed a new sport I didn't know existed today: Kick Vollyball! Totally appropriate for a "wtf is going on? hey that's kinda neat" glance. Not enthralling enough to sit down directly next to a full garbage to watch for hours like one old man did. I'm sure he was totally engaged in the pick-up game and not at all in the fact that everyone playing it was a muscley latino in a speedo.

3. Debra never thought she'd find love after Bobby Lee left her for her one-armed cousin, that is until she met Miguel. Sure Miguel was 10 years younger, but Debra found his Puerto Rican charm irresistible. Besides, maybe if Debra died her hair bleach blond, got an unsightly tattoo on her thigh and wore way-too revealing outfits no one would notice that she was pushing 40. She'd do anything to keep scrawny Miguel. Even forgive him for a lil' abuse now and then, but when he yelled at her "bitch, don't talk like that" and put his hands around her neck in front of hundreds of other beach goers she wondered if it was really worth it.

4. Oh, hey, how's the bird watching today? Oh, wait those aren't birds your watching at all through those binoculars are they? You're not even going to try and hide the fact that you're staring at chicks tits, are you? You're just going to stand on the beach with a pair of binoculars looking at fun bags? Alone? Wearing khakis? for three hours? You've lost all shame, haven't you?

5. Scientific studies show that beach goer's favorite activity by far is lying down. While lying down some beach goers read, others nap, some talk quietly with a friend, a few enjoy quiet introspection. However, very few of these lying-down related activities are enhanced by having a fucking drum circle going on 3 yards away. Really, who the fuck brings drums to the beach, sits down in a crowded area, and precedes to "get there jam on" for most of the afternoon. Fuck you and your maraca accompaniment.

Of course there's always one demographic I'm always more than happy to see at the beach: Babies in water wings! *null in void if those fuckers start crying.