Offered in your local Walmart

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Originally uploaded by iruniran. I think when you buy one of these, you should realize you have a bit of a problem.












wow.

What's Your Take on von Trier?

I spontaneously rented Dogville today at Blockbuster, after another movie I had wanted to see was out. When I got home I realized that Dogville had a nearly three hour run time, so I decided to look it up on Metacritic. It had a metascore 0f 59, and the critics virtually split down the middle.

The first few reviews give it a perfect score, and the quotes on Metacritic non-shalantly call it a masterpiece.
"It really is a masterpiece--von Trier's first, as it happens. "
"von Trier's strongest movie--a masterpiece, in fact."

As I scrolled down to the reviews in the 80's and 90's the critics get a little poetic.
"This galvanizing cinematic work is also gorgeous, experimental, alive with a Scandinavian strain of chutzpah, and artistically elegant."
"Dogville is a compelling chamber piece with constant cinematic surprises."

The reviews in the 70's start using the tired cliche 'not for everyone'.
"Not for everyone. It is darkly funny, intellectually challenging and obliquely didactic"
"Dogville isn't for everyone, but there's some intellectually stimulating conversation fodder for those with the patience to navigate the film's rough terrain. "

Critics who ranked it a little lower on the scale thought it was well intentioned, yet doesn't quite work.
"May be the most fascinating, richly accomplished screw-up you'll see all year."
"Von Trier’s vision is amazingly thorough and exquisitely executed, but the audience may feel executed as well. "
"A film that works as a demonstration of how a good idea can go wrong."

The reviews in the 50 to 40 a range point to it's excessive run time.
"A provocation, a coup de théâtre and three hours of tedious experimentation."
"Life is too short for three hours of misanthropy and misogyny."

The Scores around 30 start to call it lofty artistic dribble, that could have been great.
"Lars von Trier's latest thingamabob is a large, pretentious blob of coulda-been."
"It's a brilliant idea, for about 10 minutes."


The 20-ish scores bust out the word "misanthropy" alot.
"He doesn't even try here, and his arrogance is topped only by his misanthropy."
"Dogville is as total a misanthropic vision as anything control freak Stanley Kubrick ever turned out. "


The lowest score put all nicetiesies aside and call it straight up pretentious shit.
"A symphony for tin ears, a sniggering assessment of human nature delivered with the faux-lofty tone of a Lexus commercial. "
"What Lars von Trier has achieved is avant-gardism for idiots. From beginning to end, Dogville is obtuse and dislikable, a whimsical joke wearing cement shoes."

What the Christ? Was there some sort of standardized guide to rating it sent out with the press kit on this thing? "If you think it's the greatest movie ever go ahead and through in the phrase 'masterpiece', but make it seem off the cuff" "If you hated it make sure to note it's misanthropy." "If you're not sure what the fuck you just saw call it 'not for everyone' and give it a slightly better than average score".

Thanks a lot crowned Criticocrecy of America. Now I'm going to actually have to watch this three hobehemothath and make up my own god damned on.

Darth Condi

Another Star Wars post? Following a Fat Actress post none the less. I really need to get with it. However I couldn't help but blog about my most recent genius observation. Everyone is talking about the political undertones in Return of the Sith, but no one has noticed the scary correlation between Darth Vader and Condeleezza Rice (handy chart and shabby photoshop included to illustrate).

Darth Vader Former Jedi Seduced by emperor to Sith Secretly married Padme Who names their kid Anakin? Born into slavery once a total hottie Nicknamed Ani Talks funny Wears dark suit and leather boots Replacement after Count Dukku was killed No observable emotions High ranking member of corrupt Government etc. etc. etc.

Condoleezza Rice Former Democrat Seduced by the Bushies to the GOP Has to be secretly boning someone Who names their kid Condoleezza? I really shouldn't touch this one Still a total hottie Nicknamed Condi Talks funny Wears Dark suit and leather boots Replacement after Colin Powell forced out No observable emotions High ranking member of corrupt Government etc. etc. etc.

Of course when the original Star Wars came out Condi was still working on her PhD, so how could George Lucas create a character with such striking similarities? Perhaps the Bush Administration based Condi on Darth Vadar. I know that sounds weird, but it wouldn't be the first time Bush tried to bring classic science fiction to life.