Wake Up It's 2013

Your calendar is wrong. 2013 is actually coming in early 2008, and you can take a peak into the near future tonight. Junc Ops, the hip-hop project of local electronic producers Kentsoundz and PG-13, is dropping by WVUM at 11pm for a bit of chit chat. We'll be playing some tracks off their upcoming debut album 2013, which officially drops Febuary 23rd on PG's own Circuitree Records. Hopefully that will convince you to check out the official release party on Feb 21 at Churchill's, and another performance at the same place on March 27th.

Circuitree,ever focused on the future, seems to have a lot in the works with a national release and college radio push for their Silicon Graffiti compilation, as well as some possible big name collabos. Keep an ear out.

WVUM can be heard on 90.5 fm in most of Dade county and streaming online at WVUM.ORG

Oh, I Think I'm So Funny

Kyle: Ugh, why is this in my facebook feed [link to some birthday party pic of a girl I went to highschool with]?
Kristen: What is ALL THAT?
Kyle: So much clingy rayon and unemployed noses.
Kyle: Omg, how has that joke not been made before?
Kyle: Uneployed noses? NOSES THAT NEED A JOB
Kyle: I just struck comedy gold.
Kristen: oh i didnt get it but NOW I GET IT, but seriously who are these people? I can't stop looking.

One day I am going to write a movie including that joke, and it is going to be in every single trailer for it, to the point that you totally hate it. It doesn't even matter that much if it's actually funny. If "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet" can make it, so can this.

Major Labels May Be Worried About Sales, But They'll Always Have College Radio (Sadly)

On which year-end radio plays chart do you think Amy Winhouse, The Killers, Sheryl Crow and Fall Out Boy crack the top 40? Billboard? Maybe, I'm not going to look it up, jeez, but definitely the CMJ Radio Select Tracks 2007 chart.

CMJ scans the top 100 college/non-comm stations' signals and creates a chart bsaed on number of spins as an alternative to the main charts, which rely on self-submitted playlists from 450+/- stations. It's maybe a more honest way to look at the state of college radio. Although, not every independent label sends their music to Media Guide (the company that actually scans the signal, and who also owns the handy Yes.Com), most of the records that have an active campaign behind them are submitted. The 2007 year-end charts tallies up songs by the total number of plays recieved. Peter Bjorn & John's "Young Folks", unsurprisingly and fittingly, took the top spot, followed by a lot of major-lable-"indie" like Modest Mouse, White Stripes, Feist, Interpol and Bjork and then some actually indie whateverness like Spoon, The Shins and Bright Eyes.

Then there is some seriouse WTFness:
#6 Amy Winehouse "You Know I'm No Good"
#8 The Killers "Read My Mind"
#14 Incubus "Dig"
#16 Amy Winehouse "Rehab"
#21 Ryan Adams w/ Sheryl Crow "Two"
#22 Fall Out Boy "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race"
#27 Smashing Pumpkins "Tarantula"
#40 Papa Roach [they still exist? *roach joke*] "Forever"
#42 Foo Fighters "The Pretenders"
#51 The Red Hot Chili Peppers "Hump De Bump"
#53 Linkin Park "What I've Done"
Other appearances include KT Tunstall, My Chemical Romance, Hot Hot Heat, The Used, Nine Inch Nails, Yellowcard, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Sick Puppies and Eddie Vedder. Lily Allan, Gnarles Barkely (yes it came out in mid2006), QOTSA, and Bruce Springsteen made into onto the album equivalent.

All in all only 34 tracks on the 100 spot chart were actually on Independent Labels. Major labels also claimed over half of the album chart. I'm not going to argue this result from a taste perspective (although there's lots to be said), but instead from an ideological perspective (blah blah blah I'm the co-music director of WVUM, I direct co-music). There are few places in our culture that allow art that takes chances and is truly innovative to get through. The same reason you don't want Ratatouille at your art-house cinema is the same reason you don't want Amy Winehouse on your college radio station. Yes she may be a very entertaining little vermin, but she's going to get tons of (over)exposure otherwise. Every time a college radio dj plays a track off Billy Corrigan's shameless Smashing Pumpkins "reunion" record (which apparently was a lot, #13 most played record) it means some lesser, probably much better band who weren't MTV mainstays don't get their record played. Now I realize that not every college radio station is going to be as ideological as WVUM, and not every listener is going to respect that, but there has to be something better to play than Papa Roach. There's so few chances to play music on the radio that's not part of a corporate approved play list. Why anyone would waste it by playing Fall Out Boy, I'll never know.

Up In Smoke

Whenever I feel that my occasional interest in smoking starts to become more of a primary concern I pick up a pack of American Spirit cigarettes. It's sort of like the punishment certain over zealous parents dole out to their kids when they find a beer bottle in their room; that is make them drink an entire bottle of tequila (and for the modern parent: video tape it, and put it up on youtube). I guess the traditional smoking equivalent is smoking an entire pack in one sitting, (I've always wondered what there's parents do when they find porno...) but a pack of these is just fine. They're obviously for the more advance smoker among us, with their rough taste, stubborn quality and insane amounts of nicotine. For someone who usually sticks to Marlboro 27s and the free Camel no 9s that seem to be everywhere (bitch cigs, but such a nice box) it's all a little much. That's my American Spirit: if its too hard, give up.

Like A Comet Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky: Gone Too Soon

While Giuliani was single handidly removing all of the "creepy" from Times Square he accidently absorbed mass amounts of the quality. Perhaps, this deprived us forever of the hilarity his full scale campaign was sure to unleash. Honestly though, what a bizarre run. A national early lead didn't translate to a single primary win, and put his reputation and background through the ringer. He was better off with most of Americans having fond memories of the mayor.

I used to look at him and remember that time on SNL after 9/11 when Lorne Michaels was like "Can we be funny now?" and Rudy said "Why Start Now?". Yeah IDK, but that's a lot better than "Omg you married your cousin?".

Eau De Glorified Strip Mall

It's nice that Sunset Place, the graveyard of so many teenage cliches, now has a successful adult plot. However, the levels of noxious colegne fumes that comes from placing Martini Bar across from a Hollister can't be good for the environment, or anyone walking by.

Invisible Primary!

moar funny pictures

Last time around I didn't get to waste a vote on Howard Dean or mah gurl Carol Moseley-Braun, because I didn't turn 18 until the summer. This time the fun is spoiled by the fact that it doesn't count even if I do vote for a viable candidate. Yay Florida! Ugh, I guess I should at least go to give my well thought out opinion of property appraisers, special trial boards, property taxes and machines (both slot and voting).

For those of you not playing along at home, the fact that I used the legendary Socks the Cat in that pic may give you a hint of who I'm about to cast my meaningless vote for!

Paris Hilton Has The Last Laugh

Nicky Hilton carries on her person at all times a key to a safety deposit box which holds the writings, journals, and most importantly the manifesto of her sister, Paris Hilton. The moment of Paris' demise Nicky is instructed to fly to LA immediately and release the content of this box to the world. This is perhaps Nicky's soul reason for existing.

Apon this material's release it will be revealed to the public that, indeed, the joke was on them. Paris, born with a sharp intelligence into a world of privilege and excess, at a young age saw a unique opportunity to exploit the ridiculousness of our times and decide to dedicate her life to art. Not that she would make art, but that her life would become it. Armed with the aide of peroxide, blue contacts, and a forced taste for sequins she transformed her self into the glamazon we know today. Starting small with party photos and Page Six press she quickly catapulted her self into the the consciousness of even the dumbest of Americans. A feat few artists of modern times, the guy who draws pictures of cartoon characters fucking on the internet aside, achieve.

She has enlisted unwittingly other young female celebrities into her grand performance art. Britney Spears, the accidental de Kooning to her Kandinsky, for a while caused Paris some jealousy. After all her work Paris had never created such a masterful spectacle. She comforted her self with the fact that "bitch, is actually crazy", and is currently working on a new piece involving carrying the child of Omar Bin Laden, developing a rumored jenkam addiction, and hijacking a sperm bank.

It's impossible to know the full scope of these writings, and the impact they will have on society. They may very well be the most important human texts of the last century. Eager to find out, I'll wait in anticipation, like most people, for the day Paris Hilton dies.

Is This a Cliche Yet?

Suggested Titles for Porn Take Offs of Oscar Best Picture Nominees:

Abonement
There Will Be Cum
Michael Gayfun
Underage Bareback Preggo Whores #12
No Cunt For Old Men ....so LEMON PARTY!

Less Popular Than Semiconductors

No, I do not have 18 subscribers on Google reader. This other blog called Semiserious does. Its all about "revealing commentary and news about the semiconductor industry".

I don't need to have the first part explained to me, because hey I've only been back at this for about 3 weeks, but can someone explain to me what a semiconductor is?

Oh, P.S.

Mohawks Are For Those Who Know Not

Mohawks are the kind of haircut you get when you're a seven year old boy at summer camp. Making fauxhawks the kind of haircut you get when you don't have the balls of a seven year old boy. Either, and other hawk type haircuts (lowhawks, blowhawks, frohawks, and corn-rowhawks to name a few), should never be worn by anyone whose age outnumbers their shoe size. Much like the hair style of Queen Elizabeth I they should come to be viewed, and perhaps even appreciated, as historical haircuts.

Wearers of mohawks have various reasons for doing so, cheif among them is to convey that they are somewhat of a "badass". They don't play by societies rules, and wish to express this by choosen a hairstyle that society has ruled to be reserved for "badass"-wannabees and those adopted by Angelina Jolie. However it should be noted that no recorded "badass" of any significance has worn a mohawk since 1983.

So please frat boys, tough gays, and scuzz punks, put down the pomade. If you must shave an unconvential part of your head while leaving others quit harried, may I suggest something in a nice Cut Off Your Hands.

Why Isn't Kraftwerk in The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?

On March 10th the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will honor its latest bunch of inductees, including Madonna and Leonard Cohen. Though, one of the most influential bands in music history continue to go unrewarded. It's hard to imagine what the radio would sound like these days with out the advent of electronic music, and no one pioneered the pop possibility of electronic sound like Kraftwerk. It's a slight that challenges the integrity of the already questionable Hall of Fame.

Of course Hall of Fame denotes something different than, say, Hall of Quality and Innovation. However their website's overview of inductees mentions nothing about a solely American point of view. Kraftwerk's two entrances in the American singles charts are overshadowed by their multiple appearances on European charts. They most recently hit the UK's top 20 in 2003 (with a new version of a 20 year old song, no less).

This doesn't even speak of the continued presence of samples of the band in popular music. Kraftwerk is perhaps the most sampled band ever; a claim that's tricky to prove, but hard to argue. Their influence is so great that recently we've seen the emergence of second hand sampling. Missy Elliot's "Loose Control" liberally samples Cybotron's "Clear", which is built on Kraftwerk's Hall of Mirrors. Fergie's "Fergalioucess" is basically a mash up of two booty bass songs that both originally sampled Kraftwerk: J. J. Fad's "Supersonic" and Afrorican's "Give It All You Got". Even one of this year's nominees Madonna has used elements of "Trans Europe Express" in her "Music". More obviously, and some what outrageously, is the fact that the Hall put Afrika Bambataa on the short list of nominees (though he didn't make it in) while the man's main claim to fame is "Planet Rock". The song is revolutionary, no doubt, but it's basically rapping over the mash up of two even more revolutionary Kraftwerk records.

Though I doubt the continued snub weighs too much on Kraftwerk's collective computerized brain. The band never was much for the notion of fame, and I'd like to think they'd one up the Sex Pistols by simply sending their robots to accept. The Hall of Fame needs Kraftwerk much more than Kraftwerk needs the Hall of Fame.

10 Things You Don't Know About Women: Jennifer Love Hewitt from Esquire.

Hey Jennifer, I already knew most of this things. I've seen them printed on the "quirky" stationary my Mom buys. So maybe you could illuminate us in something no one seems to know: why you still have a career?

Future Punishment

In the future I predict that we will eliminate the concept of life sentences and the death penalty, and instead with the advent of new technologies, we'll shrink all heinous offenders down to 1/12th of their original size. A large portion of the prison system will then be replaced by a 500 square foot studio apartment somewhere in North Dakota outfitted with various dollhouses and surveillance cameras. Prisoners will be able to live however they want with in these confines. Most likely this will result in a ruthless, violent mini-society that in full size would appear to be inhumane. However citizens will accept it as they will find the web cast totally awesome, and I suspect, at times adorable.

Fuck You Baby Boomers aka Why We Need More Abortions and Gays and Vanity Fair Subscriptions

So, yes, today's big news sent me into a momentary breakdown and made me question my entire existence (aka the Internet) and live
blog it in comments. BUT apparently there was some other big news today that had something to do with the Stock Market and the Fed. Which really underscores something that is sure to send me into a complete breakdown somewhere down the line: MY GENERATION IS ECONOMICALLY AND ENVIRONMENTALLY FUCKED.

So look, there's about 6.45 billion people on the planet (tying into today's other news item: ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! AND LOTS MORE OF IT, PLEASE!), and by the time I die (assuming I don't kill my self or overdose on sleeping pills) it'll be about 9 million. Meanwhile the available resources are dwindling. Not a good situation. Listen guys, I know you all think you're awesome and have the myspace friends to prove it, but, holy shit, your genes aren't that great and really you only need one mini-me. The environment can't stand your kids anymore than the people in Target when they're screaming around the store about not getting Hannah Montana tickets. Brad and Angelina have the kind of DNA you'd kill for, but they only pumped out one Pilloh Shitt. Tie your tubes, or got to Costco and get a jumbo jar of ru-486. Maybe you'll go to Hell, but at least you won't be contributing to turning Earth into one.

Maybe that's not enough though, because the fucking Baby Boomers have already done their damage. "Oh hey guys, guys, so w/e lets live like we're the only fucking generation to ever exist. We'll all drive SUVs and invest in real-estate like it's some intangible stock and the price of housing doesn't have any thing to do with how people live, and pretend like no music will ever be better than The Beatles". Greatest Generation? Really? They gave birth to this fuckheads. I have to get a job in 4 months, and they've elected the Douche Bag supreme, the embodiment of all that's wrong with his generation, George W. Bush and got us involved in some mother fucking war instead of investing in like electric cars or hydrogen jet packs or some shit, and I'm not going to get the cushy media job with generous benefits I so obviously deserve.

Idk what we're going to do, my bff Jill, but here's some ideas:

1. We all turn gay. Did you ever wonder why since if we've had Gays since the begining of time it took them a couple of millennia to finally come out of the closet? The reverberations of the civil right movement ...or the awesome plan of a holy being. Look, if Gays got married they could adopt all the babies that didn't
get aborted. They also spend like crazy, and they hate that tacky Chinese shit. Gays love love love USA Made stuff, like American Apparel briefs. That could turn us around right there. They also don't eat junk food, y'know 6packs and all. Another thing is that they love to live in cities...

2. The rich need to stop turning big cities into their personal playgrounds. Do you know how expensive it is to live in Manhattan? Too expensive for people with kids to live there, and the ones that do turn into Gossip Girl incarnate. So all the people
who can't afford Marc Jacobs bags for their twelve yearolds are forced to spread out in the suburbs and settle for Marc by Marc. The point being is that cities are actually good for the environment. Mostly because we're impacting the hell out of one tiny spot instead of impacting the purgatory out of every desirable piece of soil we can. Plus people don't need to commute to work and burn gallons and gallons of gasoline. The Japanese live like that. I mean really if we all lived in giant towers the terrorists probably wouldn't have crashed into those two.

3. Let's stop being so dumb. Our schools are shit sacks. "Oh, you know how to read and do your algebras? Yay, you're so smart. We didn't leave you behind, did us?" I think we need to install American children with an appreciation for opera and a conversational knowledge of 20th century art. These are the people that read Vanity Fair and Radar and are easily guilted into pretending to care about the environment. These are the people that spend $30,000 on an outfit to go out to spend on a $5,000 charity auction. These are the people that are easy to make fun of, yet not in a way that makes me depressed about humanity, but still in a way that lets me assert my superiority. In any event they don't go down to Jena to protest MLK Jr. Day with a saw-ed off shot gun. We'll just have to make sure they aren't giant hypocritical assholes like their current iteration ("Oh, well I recycle my evian bottles, but there's no way I'm ever giving up flying charter").

Basically we need to all become Homosexual Urbanist Pseudo-Intellectuals. Either we'll save the Earth or bring about the Appocalypse that much quicker and put us out of our collective misery.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger, also I'm an Asshole

Minutes ago I sat down in the library, and checked my Google reader. You already know by now what I read, and like most I'm shocked and saddened. I was thinking about it in contrast to the media circus and death-countdown-wet-dreams that circles the Spears and Dohertys of the world like vultures. Then I overheard some stupid sorority girl bemoaning "yeah, I heard he was supposed to be the best Joker, he really caught the psychosis of the character. He's supposed to be so much better than Jim Carrey's Joker." At which I had to smirk, and then of course I felt like an asshole.

I know it's asking too much, but then again it's been so long since we've lost a celebrity in their prime, but I hope this tosses a bucket of water on the paparazzi fueled bonfire we're in right now. This serves as a reminder that even though celebrities traffic in fantasy, they're actually all too real.

"She's a human! Leave Britney alone!"

Ugh, now I feel like an asshole again.

PRESSURE!

I knew that there was a Michael Gira cameo on the new Xiu Xiu album, but I had no fucking clue it was a cover of Queen and Bowie's Under Pressure. How genius. Wow. It's a less faithful cover than "Ice Ice Baby", and loads better than the recent My Chemical Romance stab at the song. The build up to the opening "PRESSURE!" is shiver inducing in a whole new way for the Xiu . I haven't gotten all the way through Woman as Lovers yet. All I can say is that if you weren't onboard for Jamie Stewart's twisted masterwork Fabulous Muscles, than it's not likely this one will stop for you.

[Find the track with HypeMachine. I'm so lazy.]

Input Fields

I don't really care about The Magnetic Fields, and how am I supposed to when all their album covers look like they were made in Microsoft word? Couldn't they have at least replaced the bathroom sign with one of these dudes

I've Been Stuck In My Genie Bottle Since 1990 and I Was Just Starting to Enjoy the Agony

Oh look, finally Dior Homme pants I wouldn't need to starve myself to fit into. All this from the house who took the trend of shaggy hair skater teens wearing girls' jeans and turned it into the standard high fashion silhouette of the decade. Of course that was all under a different designer, and I guess hammer pants are as good as anything to discern yourself from your predecessor. I'm just not sure discerning men will embrace it. Who wants to look like I Dream Of Jeannie's gay, goth cousin?

BRB

Blogger, I love you. I'm just busy fucking around with Tumblr for a hot second. I'll be back to putting too much wasted effort into you quite soon.

I Wish The Stars Could Shine Now

Hercules & Love Affair only have a 12" out and a couple of tracks making the blog rounds, but they're quickly becoming a favorite. No surprise really as they're on DFA and I'd have to think long and hard to come up with a single track released on anything DFA that I didn't enjoy. Record Label of the decade hands down, and H&LA are going to help further cement that already solid notion.

The two tracks on their 12" inch mix disco with acid, but the blog tracks are more oblique in their disco funk. "Athene" made my top 25 tracks of 2007, and "Blind" is on it's way to capturing the same praise for 2008. Antony (of he & The Johnsons) always makes memorable guest spots, but H&LA cast him as a disco diva and place his unmistakable croon amongst electro and horns and it sounds as natural as it does amongst his usual haunting torch lit backgrounds.

Hercules and Love Affair ft. Antony Hegarty :: "Blind"
Note to Hercules, Love Affair, or interested lawyers - I'm not sure what the modern mp3 sharing etiquitte is anymore. If I'm being rude, let me know.

Thankfully a full length is due in the spring, but to further curb your appetite you can get a legit free download of "Hercule's Theme" here.

OMFG HE PULLED IT OUT AN ENVELOPE?

If I got a MacBook Air what would happen first: Would I fill its teeny tiny hardrive with illegally downloaded music or would I break its itty bitty body in half?

I broke my iBook in half long before I filled it up.

But seriously he pulled it out of an envelope. That's what you put letters in, not computers.

The answer, be tee dubs, is neither b/c I'm broke. Thanks for playing.

Thnks Fr Th Obammrs

Pete Wentz is so determined to turn out the Guyliner vote for Obama he's hosting a fund raiser for him and as printed out these shirts.



A logo based off a tattoo five inches away from Wentz Cock, followed by 'obama', followed by the clumsiest political slogan ever.

Really though, people who wear girl jeans should really stick with their own and vote Hillary.

Rant. 3...2...1...

I'm really perturbed by the idea that voting for Obama is more "cool". I guess there is a notion of going against the grain and against the perceived pre-selected candidate. Really though Obama raised more money than Clinton. Sure some of that was from small donors, but the majority was from rich people and the Democratic establishment. If anything I think Obama was just as much pre-selected as Clinton. He's not a left-field candidate; he's had his praise and polish from the establishment. Then there's the thought that electing a black man is more radical than electing a chick. Race is becoming a murkier subject in America, but Gender norms are still heavily ingrained. Electing a woman challenges those notions as well as ones about family and sexuality. Of course, Obama's main cool point is that he was against the war from the start. A lot of Hillary supporters point out that if he was in the senate he may very well have voted for it to. Whatever, fuck the war. I'm sick of hearing about it. I don't care about what was said then, I care about now. The best we can ask for at this point is a candidate who won't sink a bajillion more dollars into it.

The Innermost Erotic Motorcycle Fantasies Of My High School Principal

Barron Collier High School has had it's share of totally jaw dropping scandals. Most of them involve NAMBLA.

To review: My Senior year one of the school board members got caught having an affair with a boy on his Son's (Columbine wannabe btw, but that's another story) baseball team, and then after it exploded in the press he shot himself in a play ground. A few years after I graduated my Band teacher Mr. Branson, a former district teacher of the year, got caught in a similar situation with a 13-year-old boy, and is now serving twelve years in jail. Of course these things come in threes, but this time around it has nothing to do with pedophilia, and everything to do with desperate middle-age motorcycle porn fantasies and hence is beyond hilarious. Thank God.

My High School Principal Ron Miller was really into Harleys. Every year at orientation he rode his through his gym, sometimes he'd ride it around the track at football games. Like most things that impresses jocks and dads it was really lame. Bikers are pretty much the saddest subculture. They all think they're rebels riding around on two wheels while society dictates they should be on four, but really can they find some fantasy game that doesn't burn so much oil? I mean we're facing an environmental crisis here, and let's not even get into why we're in Iraq. Play pirates or something. But back to Ronny, he got caught sending naughty emails to a biker chick through school computers. Here's some selected excerpts. *lol* dOn'T rEaD iF yOu JuSt aTe *lol*

Sad Bike Ho: "I love to ride Harleys. I consider them to be the worlds largest vibrator...Never finished riding that I didn't have at least one orgasms, usually I have three or four....I'm being a bit fast but then your a Harley owner too, and that syas something about you." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

High School Principal: "Because that model of Harley vibrated more than the other and after 75 miles [ a female rider] would be ready to stop and be taken care of............!" ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Part of the customaization is a raised knob on the seat in just the right position to keep me happy. I rode to and from Sturgis in a perpetual state of arousal. Fortunately I road with a girl friend who was suffering as much as I was. You can guess what happened when we stopped at night." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "I climg on the bike facing you with my legs around your waist. So now instead of handle grips to hold on to, you have my boobs. And if possible I'll work your gear shift deep inside and make us bother happy, several times." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

HSP: "when you climb on the bike this time I will provide the 'raised knob' that you can lower yourself on and grip the handle bars hard while I reach around and steady you holding your breasts." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Maybe if we can find a rural road we can go for a midnight ride in that erotic position you described. I'll drive while you steer, kinda like plug and play, Hmmmmm??" ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

HSP: "since you have that lovely 'bikegirl' in you that I love I would assume that instead of "oral sex", I can just say "blowjob" or something like..... "as you suck my cock" ... this will be fun even though typing with one hand can take awhile!!! :)" super ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Gawd I have a huge wet spot in my jeans"

I think we all do at this point, but oh wait there's totally one more hot leathery quote:

"Persuant to School Board policy and administrative procedures, this e-mail system is the property of the School District of Collier County and to be used for official business only. In addition, all users are cautioned that messages sent through this system are subject to the Public Record Law of the State of Florida and also to review by the school system. There should be no expectation of privacy."

Which is at the end of every single fucking email he sends and receives. Holy Shit, what a fuckwad. Have you ever heard of hotmail? I guess Bikers are too busy spitting on the norms of proper middle adulthood to read warnings. Anyway this allows him to get caught, and also for the local paper to put the emails online as a pdf file.

Also there is no way this chick is for real. She must be a post-op tranny who ended up missing her penis, so naturally got herself a motorcycle a.k.a. super powerful pseudo-dick. Well, you can read more about here.

Related: My favorite history teacher just admitted to some light espionage work on behalf of the School Board. John C. Calhoooooooooooooon, indeed.

5 People I Wish Weren't On The Beach: Display and Observation On South Beach

Crowded beaches, South Beach especially, carry a not-so-subtle undercurrent of casting you as audience or performer. We can't help but oogle others in their swim suits, while being terrified or excited that others are judging us in ours. With a hundred people situated on the beach all facing the ocean, the shoreline becomes a sort of stage. Some people take this notion way too far. Here's a list of some people I witnessed doing just that today:

1. Frisbee Guy, you were doing things I didn't know one could do with a frisbee. Hey, when you made it ride your lip that was pretty cool, but the thing is you're on-the-lower-side-of-morbidly obese, old, and hairy. It's cool that you still remember tricks your crazy uncle taught you when you were 12, but the fact that you were so very concentrated on doing them, and that you were totally alone was depressing. Maybe some one would come up and talk to you if this was a park and you were fully dressed, but face it you're going to have to juggle like 5 flaming frisbees to get someone to get over the site of you hairy man-tit and acknowledge you.

2. I witnessed a new sport I didn't know existed today: Kick Vollyball! Totally appropriate for a "wtf is going on? hey that's kinda neat" glance. Not enthralling enough to sit down directly next to a full garbage to watch for hours like one old man did. I'm sure he was totally engaged in the pick-up game and not at all in the fact that everyone playing it was a muscley latino in a speedo.

3. Debra never thought she'd find love after Bobby Lee left her for her one-armed cousin, that is until she met Miguel. Sure Miguel was 10 years younger, but Debra found his Puerto Rican charm irresistible. Besides, maybe if Debra died her hair bleach blond, got an unsightly tattoo on her thigh and wore way-too revealing outfits no one would notice that she was pushing 40. She'd do anything to keep scrawny Miguel. Even forgive him for a lil' abuse now and then, but when he yelled at her "bitch, don't talk like that" and put his hands around her neck in front of hundreds of other beach goers she wondered if it was really worth it.

4. Oh, hey, how's the bird watching today? Oh, wait those aren't birds your watching at all through those binoculars are they? You're not even going to try and hide the fact that you're staring at chicks tits, are you? You're just going to stand on the beach with a pair of binoculars looking at fun bags? Alone? Wearing khakis? for three hours? You've lost all shame, haven't you?

5. Scientific studies show that beach goer's favorite activity by far is lying down. While lying down some beach goers read, others nap, some talk quietly with a friend, a few enjoy quiet introspection. However, very few of these lying-down related activities are enhanced by having a fucking drum circle going on 3 yards away. Really, who the fuck brings drums to the beach, sits down in a crowded area, and precedes to "get there jam on" for most of the afternoon. Fuck you and your maraca accompaniment.

Of course there's always one demographic I'm always more than happy to see at the beach: Babies in water wings! *null in void if those fuckers start crying.

Excuse My Beauty Lateness on this Already Tired To Death Subject

Discovering the voting section of I Can Has Cheezburger so soon before classes start probably doesn't bode well for my paying attention in class with an open laptop skills. There's a million lost lolCat gems in there. This one is inspired by a Cops Video/YouTube phenom about a drunken tranny hooker/balloon thief. Originally I thought the quote was from vh1's Rock of Love, you know how easy it is to confuse groupie reality whores and gross trannys these days.

Oh my God, they have a dog site too?

Blogadict Arnold

I know I'm about eleven glorious, well written, extremely informative and enlightening, witty posts into this new blogging initiative. I know that they all have titles that break new ground in term of cleverness, and aren't at all exercises in lazy stupidity, this one included. I know that this blog layout is pretty-gorgeous reaching Heidi Montag levels of attractiveness. BUT I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun on returning to ye ol' blog spot. I know it's owned by Google, and most everything owned by Google is incredibly hip and amazing and the best in the field. I don't even talk to people who don't use g-mail, through email or in person. However Tumblr is looking pretty cute. Never mind that I don't even understand what makes it different or better than Blogger in practice. I just know that it looks better and all the "cool" kids are using it, and that's enough for me.

Of course if I moved now I'd be in danger of loosing a sizable quantity of my staggering audience.

I will probably put more thought into this then into my unwavering support of Hilary Clinton, but less thought than into how to milk a clever post out of the fact that I just watched Greg The Bunny on DVD last night. Hey Remember that show? Foul mouthed puppets, lol.

For Your Breath Frehsining Information.

Tic Tacs spearmint and Tic Tacs fresh mint flavors taste really gross together. Like shockingly gross.

Project Runway LOLs

Someone explain to me why the designers on last night's Project Runway giggled when their high school aged models came out for the prom-dress challenge? I mean, shouldn't they get used to dressing 15 year olds, or even 12 year olds? Even Judge Micahel Kors used a 16 year old in his latest ads. Oh wait, only chubby teenagers with normal cheekbones are lol-inducing. Think back to your high school years and confirm that for yourself.

Our Flame Still Flickers

I think I jumped the gun on bemoaning the possible loss of Hilary Clinton as a presidential hope. I mean how could I forget that she's sold her soul to the devil to become the Antichrist, conspires with neo-nazis and evil Arabs while somehow being a socialist, has the ability to cry magic tears that emit a gas which changes peoples' votes? So reassuring.

I think the main reasons I like Hillary is because a) how hilarious is it going to be when she's president b) how fun is it going to see the right's worse night mare come true after eight years of total bullshit c) all the dark secrets in the world and hateful bile have been brought up about her and still somehow she succeeds d) if she's really such a cold, calculating, devoted bitch well then she'll make an excellent president in terms of getting things done.

You Down With ICP? Yeah! You Know Me!

ICP makes a calm, carefully textured sound that stands out even among their labelmates: Their setup, made up mostly of mids and lows, conveys a spacious, carefully sculpted paranoia...

From Dusted's profile of the Insane Clown Posse. Oh, wait its actually the Invisible Conga People, who just signed to Italians Do It Better and are actually really really nice, despite having initials with serious baggage.

Simulated Sex With Hillary Clinton

Remember when we were all just supposed to bend over and let Hillary Clinton slide up our ...inaguration parade? *SIGH*, how I miss those days. Oh Iowa, what have you done?

It's not that I don't like Obama, he's fine. It's just that I like my politicians to take it nice and slow, not rush into anything. Hillary's been flirting with America since Bill's presidential campaign. There were always those jokes about her being co-president, but really could she be interested in us? She finally made a move on our health care one night, but the timing wasn't right, and it kind of got screwed up and it was just awkward. We didn't really talk for a while, but everyonce in a while we'd catch a glimpse of her and realized we still had feelings. The flirting started getting heavy again. In fact she was so busy seducing us, she forgot about Bill's needs, but y'know what? We loved her even more for it. Then she finally stopped teasing us, shoved her hands down our pants and grabbed on to one of our houses of congress. We know she meant business now. Hot. Hot. Hot. It got some of us so riled up they started writting erotic fiction about the idea. In 2004 she kind of left us with blue balls, but it couldn't work then. It wasn't the right time. Finally in the begining of 2007 she came into our study one night wearing nothing but a frilly robe and was like "here I am baby, take me", and we almost shot our load then.

Now though we may never get our 8 years in heavan with Hillary. Thanks alot Obama, you sure our a smooth talker and all, but you've ruined a beautiful relationship. You're still young, we would have gladly waited 8 years for you, and it would be even better because you'd be even more experienced.

I'm not even going to continue the sex metaphor with the discussion of Huckabee getting into our pants, it's just so wrong on so many levels.

I Really Shouldn't Encourage This

The night before the night before Christmas, and yes that is a miniskirt. Just to clarify this is not a photo essay about date rape, this is a photo essay about cousins.

And We Don't Care About The Clean Up On Aisle Six

I'm in publix and "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Harold Melvin & The Bluenotes is playing in the background, and this is a perfectly acceptable grocery store song. Everyone knows it even if they have to Google the lyrics to remember the name of the artist, its completely unoffensive, and its nice to have a familiar but unattached tune in my head when I'm shopping for lemons. Everything is fine, and then "Young Folks" by Peter, Bjorn and John comes on. How did this go from blogs to supermarket soundtracks without touching mainstream radio?

Seriously I thought this song and "D.A.N.C.E." by Justice were going to be big break out songs on coporate radio (which is why they didn't get many spins on WVUM), in the vein of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". Instead they're relegated to college radio, and used as "hey, look we're hip, we're cool, we're with it" tunes by (Kanye West and) people who program instore music. I've also heard that familiar Swedish whistle in Gap and Guess. As for coporate radio, the left-field, out of nowhere hit of the summer was "Hey There Delilah" which I think was written in an elementary school song writing workshop. I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't think "Folks" and "D.A.N.C.E." are catchy could-be-hits. They even both have candy coated animated videos. Yet turn on y100 and you'll hear some Ne-Yo penned R&B schlock with nasely lyrics and a T-Payne cameo, and then wonder why the music business is in a bigger nose-dive than it should be.

Miami International Airport x Britto = Unfortunate

The problem with allowing an artist (using the term loosely) to design Airport staff uniforms is that any one that would actually accept the job probably shouldn't be allowed to do it. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of artists and designers who would have divine visions for such a project I'm sure, but local politicians probably couldn't name (or agree on) one of them. Of course they're going to go after big name commercial artists, and the ones that could actually produce something tasteful are holding out for a Louis Vuitton bag deal.

This is all besides the point though. These shirts didn't come about as a way to paint Miami as a artistic city, but from the continued branding of the city that some how involves Britto in all his tackiness. Note to Miami leaders: Disney World isn't an actual city, stop trying to pattern the town after it.

As a side note, if we really wanted something so clashy wouldn't it be cute to have M.I.A. design the MIA uniforms?

[Image from Local Ten via Critical Miami]

Technicolor Nightmare Hair

from top left on clockwise: Brtiney Spears, I watch too much tween TV, I watch too much toddler TV, M.I.A.
Either you ladies are going to have to stop wearing these wigs or I'm going to keep having nightmares about Anna Wintour chasing me through downtown LSD City.

Balenciaga Motorcycle Diapers Coming Soon

Do you know how late I am on this? Almost exactly three months. This is what happens when you don't have a blog to vent stupid observations on inane topics, like the Balenciaga Spring 2008 RTW line.

There was a rumor going around that Paul Bettany hated this dress so much when Jennifer Connoly wore it that they got in a tiff, until it came to its natural conclusion and they fucked in the bathroom during whatever premier they were at. So the collection is back in my mind. Ghesquière said he wanted to concentrate more on single outfits instead of just pieces to mix'n'match, but if you look at woman today most of them are all about mixing'n'matching. In fact the only females who wear pre-arranged outfits any more are under the age of five. Short, but not at all revealing, onsies that look like they're cut from flower-puke fabirc, it's straight from the baby isle. Seriously google image search "baby dresses", you'll see what I mean. Sure, there's some inovative craft here, but the final product is a bit insulting to woman.

This all brings me back to my original point that Paul Bettany is obviously arroused by grown woman in baby clothes, and as much as he tries to fight it, he can't.

Remarkable Success

I started this blog in May 2005 and two and a half years latter I have 17 posts. Outstanding.

Well, I think some blog-wounds have finally blog-healed with blog-time, and I'm ready to blog-blog blogain.

Ahaha, crappy puns, the best way to restart any project. Blog.