Time For My Moby Story

Mystical music gnome Moby was hanging out all around Downtown Miami last night, and a lot people were freaking out like "Omg, it's Moby. Can I get a pic for my myspace? Let's go in the bathroom, the lighting is better in there. Omg so awesome, you scored all my favorite late 90's commercial, you're like my hero". I saw him at White Room, but I was totally cool because me and Moby have apparently partied before.

At CMJ in October I dropped by a DFA-connected party where Matt Cash was spinning. I'm a little bored because I don't know anyone there and finishing my drink, when I see this guy going around taking pictures like he's the next Merlin Bronques - except you can totally tell that he's some rich Euro-asshole who's only doing it as a way to approach busted chicks, and his creepiness is seriously annoying me. So, obviously I need to take a picture. I upload it to my computer latter and "HOLY SHIT IS THAT MOBY?"



I didn't even know he was there. The funny thing is apparently he was supposed to do a set at the WVUM party latter that night, which I don't think ever happened, but I'm not sure because I got lost and didn't make it there until 3 am [this was my first night in New York since I've been 21 really], and I kept asking people where this club "APT" was and finally some girls were like "ugh, it's over there, but it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo over."

Moby if you're reading this a) stop haunting me b) I have to agree with Miami Nights that "Southside" still is pretty much the jam.

What We All Aspire To

I am totally facinated that this self proclaimed "it" girl has posed with a varitable Hallf of Fame of c-list stars and assembled the photos on her website. How c-list? She has pictures with every notable member of the Hilton family except Paris. Though somehow she snatched Leonardo DiCaprio. Then again, I'm not really sure how he managed to get to the a-list anyway.

Drive Straight Into My Top 8

I imagine someone in the pr department at the Florida Department of Transportation wanted an excuse to cruise myspace during work hours and somehow convinced his bosses that creating a myspace for the SunPass mini was an amazing idea. "The kids these day love two things: MySpace and the word mini. Brilliant Idea!" (sorry but it's facebook and nano air now) The best thing though is that their song is Rihanna's "Shut Up And Drive".

Who Says Annie Leibovits Is Funny?

A boob grab gag shouldn't be exhibit A in the case for woman's humor. I've never hated a magazine cover as much as this Annie Leibovits shot cover for Vanity Fair. Besides the fact it's a dreadful image and manages to make three pretty woman look bland and washed out, it's just not funny. Nor is the spread inside which features a dozen female comedians dressed up as tabloid trash. On pictures alone the message is woman are only funny if the jokes someone how involve their lady parts or taking down other women. Is this really the best they could come up with? If they needed visual proof that ladies are funny all they needed to do is do an homage to "I Love Lucy". So obvious, but yet not as trite as dressing Sarah Silverman up as Amy Winehouse. I'd much rather have her drunk on vitamins, or Jenna Fischer squashing grapes. Sure, the original Christopher Hitchen's essay which this article is refuting says that Lucy's humor is an exception instead of rule, but isn't that true for both genders? How many men can you Google Image search and find such a legacy of funny images?

The only redeeming aspect is Amy Sedaris smoking with a fake pregnancy belly. Not all that hilarious, but neither is a fake nose, and like Lucy she has that rare talent to make almost any image hilarious. A much more suiting visual exhibit that females are funny, and certainly much funnier smoking with a pregnant belly than Christopher Hitchens.

Stuff is to be on my Cat, not Liked by White People

Based on number of MySpace bulletins, Stuff White People Like is the most liked thing by white people in years (excluding of course themselves, but few things overtake narcissism on a rubric based on MySpace bulletins). So I went, and started thinking "ummm, I don't like a whole lot of these things at all". In fact I counted, and I only like 26% of what white people like (it would have been higher if they included figuring out pointless statistics, because I, like other whiteys, love that shit). So is that the joke? White kids read it and think "omg while I do know a lot of white people who love these things, I do not. I am so 'not white', I'm going to show all my friends, and we'll laugh and laugh and laugh". The punchline being that a recurrent theme on the blog is that the thing white people love most of all (again barring statistics and themselves) is feeling non-white?

There I have figured it out, can we just end it please before someone starts Stuff Black People Like and the first entry is "Watermelons" and the entire internet erupts in a race riot? Let's cool down and read Stuff On My Cat, because no matter what color your skin is we all love seeing stuff on cats.

Can an Outsider Win Over The Inside of His Party?

This is the primary season that never ends, yes it goes on an on my friends. Yet we seem to have reached a point where it seems impossible for Clinton to overtake Obama in pledged delegates. The hope that she'll tip the scale with super delegates is the obvious reason she continues, but why would they subvert the apparent will of the people? Well I can think of at least two reasons:

1) The fact that Hillary won the primary in Texas, but decisively lost the caucus says a lot about the skewed results caucuses can produce. Eliminating this voting method has long been tauted as a way to improve our presidential primary system, and the behind closed doors secret ballot is undoubtedly more democratic. Caucuses are way too public, allow for too much pressure, and take so much time that they likely cause potential voters to skip them. Hillary thus far has won the primaries in all the big states, except Illinois.

2) Money. Money. Money. Both campaigns have raised massive amounts of money. Obama has shown great skill in collecting smaller donations over the Internet, but will his donors shell out as much money to other parts of the party, or will they only pay up for rock star "outsiders"? Hillary's donor list and influence may pay off bigger for the party as a whole. In fact many Obama supporters probably aren't all that big on the party. Obama is sending a message of change against the establishment, and super delegates are undoubtedly the establishment. Though the downside is that Obama supporters are less likely to show up at the polls come November if Clinton is atop the ballot.

Almost no one agrees that the system for picking the nominee is perfect, so do they resign themselves to its outcome? I think it may be easy ignore for many super delegates, the real question is down to the decision between someone who has shown great power in stirring up younger voters and disillusioned liberals that can campaign hard, but may not care much about the rest of the party or do they choose the former First Lady who has won the key democratic states in primaries and whose supporters are more likely to pay out for the entire democratic ticket.

Coronation at Crystal Castle?

Crystal Castles debut eponymous album is unleashed March 18, which will be something of a music none event for their fans. Many of the tracks have been making the blog rounds quit heavily, some for over 2 years now. Only one, the closer "Tell Me What To Swallow", hints at a something different from the band's punky chiptune with it's guitar strums and hazy vocals. The real anticipation comes with wondering how the press will react. The recent q+a with you dad's favorite music mag Rolling Stone leaves little doubt that even the most mainstream outlets are aware.

Will they trip over themselves to crown the duo as the latest electro force, reply with something of a "meh, I guess it's OK", or join the backlash full force? Fellow blog-buzzers Justice went over well with most of the Internet, but failed to garner much excitement in the establishment review pages of The Village Voice, Rolling Stone, or NME. CC doesn't have the benifits of anything approaching the undeniable pop carnival of "D.A.N.C.E." or the the torch of a storied genre like French House being passed to it's hands. If anything I predict a few to give strong reviews to prove how "with it" they are, a lot of "I suppose it's decent for a blog band", and maybe some contrarian pans. Pitchfork will probably give it a good review, the real question is whether it'll earn "best new music" status.

I'll also be anxious to see the reaction on the CMJ charts. I'd be surprised if it cracked the top 20 on the main chart, though it has a good shot of making waves on the RPM chart. College Radio sadly is a bit shy when it comes to both debuts and electro.

I'm not suggesting this is the undeniable album of the year (though it may make it into my top 10), but it'll be interesting to see how the big time record reviewers will respond to the band who's presenting an exciting new sound that's been ratified by rss.

The Hardest Goodbye, The Most Anticipated Hello

In perhaps the most important and life altering Kyle related news in some time I have ordered a new computer.



Good bye iBook, my old friend. It's been a good run, but your once youthful all white exterior is now a sad shade of yellow, your keys have fallen off reminiscent of a balding middle aged man, and the cracks in your exterior can't be fixed by botox. Also you won't turn on you stupid pathetic fucker. Way to crap out.

Time for you to sit on God's lap now, old boy. We'll always have 7th Floor Crew.

As for the new MacBook pro, well, I apologize for all the disgusting, irresponsible, careless things I am sure to do to/with you, but I'm sure, with time, we'll get along just fine.

I Will Solve This Democratic Nominee Problem

I've made a few calls, and I'm pretty sure I can get the constitution changed by Tuesday of next week, Thursday
at the latest. So once we get that done here's what we're going to do.
Instead of running one candidate against John McCain, we're going to
run 5. It's going to be exactly like the original X-Men line up, which
is to say awesome. Here's the line up:

Bill Clinton is
Cyclops, the fearless leader whose inability to control his one eyed
helmet always leads the team to trouble, but then it's totally cool
because he gets them out of it. Slick.

Hillary is Marvel Girl, she sticks by her man, experimented
with some skirts in the 60's but ultimately stuck to a pant suit
uniform, often has problems controlling her mind, and is prone to give
those near her head aches.

Al Gore is Iceman, he hates when shit gets hot.

Obama is Angle, he's graceful, inspiring and has chosen an identity that implies he's free of sin.

Ed Kennedy is Beast, he's the only prominent fat democrat I could think of.

But who will be Professor X? Oh wait, James Carville!

Well, I've convinced myself that this is actually a much better way to go about things.