Semiserious

Limited Edition Pixelated Humping Neon Unicorn Dunks

2008-05-29T20:05:00.001-04:00

Too many bands now mistake cultivating an image for starting lifestyle brands and give up on the whole creating interesting music thing, and instead aim to help you define yourself through their little laptop bangers, and their $50 designer tour t-shirt, but mostly their limited edition Puma callobo kicks. All of it is for you and your fragile self identity (and by you I mean 15 year old who need to come to terms with their sexuality and old coke addicts in too small leather jackets), but one day someone will realize that the band is actually a bunch of sad 30 somethings, and the blogs will have moved on to some new fad. But it's ok for the band because the mainstream music machine won't hear up about how uncool they are for like 2 years so they'll keep on hiring them to do Ashlee Simpson remixes. Then they'll split up, retire, one might manage a club in Miami, and one of the dudes will go onto an unheralded outsider folk career.

Then their are bands like Cocorosie. Sure their image and story definitely help sell the music (to the 1% of people who can get over "that voice"), but their lifestyle brand would only appeal to transsexual art students, teenage boys who think they are cat ladies, girls who are very passionate about both Lisa Frank and acid, and your quirky grandmother after she breaks up with your grandfather, moves in with her hairy ladyfriend Ester, busts her hip and then gets addicted to the percs. Also: me.

"God Has A Voice, She Speaks Through Me" by CocoRosie from Touch and Go/Quarterstick on Vimeo.

Nobody's Perfect, You Live and You Learn It

2008-04-29T19:32:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure what's a worse message to be sending to kids: "Go ahead show a little back. Tousle your hair. Make it look like you've just finished a rigorous but satisfying rendezvous with all three Jonas Brothers" or "if you get caught exercising some bad judgment blame every one but yourself, and oh your fame hungry parents. They're innocent too."

You know what I think of Annie Lebowitz, but I'll spear her full blame on this one, and ask where the hell was her father? Busy finding other ways to ride his daughter's success out of the pop culture joke his own had become? He allows his daughter to release a statement whining "oh, I got manipulated" but where's his apology for putting his daughter in a situation where she could be easily manipulated? I really don't care, but God sometimes I'm more concerned for the lake of good role models for parents these day than those for little girls.

All this bruhaha over what is otherwise a pretty shitty photograph.

Savory Edible Lubes

2008-04-29T14:17:00.002-04:00

This blog basically has no focus, and is just kind of a place for me to ramble on about whatever I find weird. Maybe I should streamline it. I'm thinking out of context block quotes of stupid shit my friends and "friends" say on the internet.

"I want to discuss flavored lube. mainly, why does that shit always come in candy flavors? there are never any savory edible lubes, only sweet. maybe I am just a fattie (and thinking weird because of sleep deprivation) but a rosemary-and-dick flavor combination sounds so much more appealing to me than a raspberry-and-dick flavor combination. think about the possibilities with me. maybe not like, sour cream and onion, but like tamari? and buttered popcorn, like the jellybean! maybe even hickory-smoked flavor, idk. clearly I put too much thought into this."

It's gold, baby.

Girl Talk on Campus: Please Don't Dance Like That, Please Don't Boo Otto, Fuck It I'm So Out Of Here

2008-04-24T22:59:00.007-04:00

Last day of classes possibly (hopefully) ever today, and I would have never dreamed that at this school it would end with an on campus Girl Talk concert. Well actually I've known this concert was going on for weeks, and I kind of had a faint notion I would go. Though it was being held in the on campus sports pub that holds about 500, and the organization putting it on made it seemed like you'd have to blow someone to get in. Never overestimate UM students interest in music not reviewed in US Weekly. I missed getting a wrist band, and kind of shook it off and figured I wouldn't go. Girl Talk is interesting, sure, but I'm on about 2 hours of sleep from last night. But Otto Von Schirach opened (I know... hold on) and I ran into Nastee as he was coming into WVUM to do his show and he gave me his wristband. I got there midway through Greg/Girl Talk's set.The place was 80% full and no one had to blow anyone they didn't want to. Not to say the kids wouldn't blow Girl Talk if given the chance.

Well, as I said Otto Von Schirach opened, because Greg is a big fan and made that specific request. Some one who's last album was titled Spine Serpents of Sperm Island playing at UM is a recipe for disaster. I wasn't there, but apparently he got a solid round of boos.

Blah blah blah Girl Talk played his cute little top 40 mash ups and everyone who bothered to show up loved it, and I saw people dancing I never wanted to see dance ever. Like mother fucker I have gone four years with out of the kids never thankfully shake their asses and, Christ, last day of classes it's there gyrating four inches in front of me.

Greg at the end was like "I'm not blowing smoke up your asses, this place is fucking awesome." Yeah, they booed the shit out of someone you specifically requested to play, but, no, they're totally awesome. Fuck U (Except WVUM). It's probably more a result of built up rage from all the kids who have walked past the VUM offices and loudly let there friend now how much our station fucking sucks than being really worked up that they booed Mr. Maxipad Detention , that was pretty much a forgone conclusion. Y'know, but don't disrespect the music, it makes you look dumb. Four years of some of the students at this school has worn me down, and God I'm so glad it's almost done with.

Phone Calls From Yo Mama

2008-04-23T14:33:00.000-04:00

Kyle: Hello
Mom: How do you start a blog?

Exclusive Breaking Important Political News

2008-04-22T21:45:00.006-04:00

Hillary Clinton may have been sort of cute back in the day. Obviously a mass right wing, anti-feminist conspiracy with roots deep inside the media establishment has suppressed all pictures of a presentable young Hillary, and only allowed photos of a her looking like some sort of androgynous, amateur folk singer in circus pants being all like "maybe I do eat paper. What's the big deal?" have been allowed out to the general public. Due to my expert skills of misspelling words in Google Image Searches I have stumbled apon the truth. Because the truth, well, it's out there.

Anyway, this discovery comes on a day when I was doing major thinking about Hillary's total fuck up in reaching out to youth voters, and how most of them aren't very aware of her accomplishments at their age. Also on the fact that Hillary's support of child's right issues and SCHIP have done more to affect their lives that anything Obama (Love him, but not as much. Hillary is the Barbara to my Bill Henrickson, while Obama is like my Margene. Chloe Sevigny is still my Nicki Grant, because I will love her most of all over anyone ever at all times) has done. It doesn't matter, because the olds in Pennsylvania love her and this is going to go on forever and ever until.... SUSPENSE

"We have shamefully allowed ... those pencil-pushers up in Washington to determine that incest is ...a sin." I'm sorry, what?

2008-04-14T17:03:00.006-04:00

I thought this little bit from USA Today would be the most surreal thing I read in a newspaper today

William Livingston, an immigration attorney who specializes in mail-order brides, says a $20,000 tax problem from 20 years ago has swelled to nearly $300,000 owed to California today...His business — bringing brides here from Russia and Ukraine — is struggling. His own mail-order marriage didn't work out, so he's a single parent living in a small apartment with a son, he says.

Of course I hadn't cracked the latest The Miami Hurricane . Their sole opinion column was entitled this: Keeping an open mind about incest.

im dying squirtle

2008-04-13T16:59:00.006-04:00

This web comic has been making the rounds this week. Yes, I'm not that big on webcomics, and yes, I'm usually the last person to know about 4Chan derived stupidness, but this made it's way to me pretty early. So I took delight in showing all my lil' friend with out fear of them saying "ummm, I saw this two years ago, and actually my Mom sent it to me in a chain mail last week. My Mom saw this before you." Everything was just going smashingly (my preferred way for things to go) until I showed it to someone who didn't get it. I tried explaining ("Well, first off this is not the way you expect pokemon to talk, and then you have to realize that Squirtle has the power to put out the fire with his surf move but would much rather go on singing the song. Are you following so far? Then you have the beat in the third panel, before Bidoff reminds us of the severity of the situation - that he is in fact on fire and dying - but most of the times pokemone are on fire they don't die, and we haven't even touched on the stylistic choices..." Then I stopped, and suddenly realized how frustrating it must be for every person I've ever asked to explain Achewood to me.

TIGHT AS A DRUM! SNAP SNAP! LISTEN TO MY DRUM SONG!

Semiserious Fanfiction

2008-04-07T15:47:00.006-04:00

I can add literary muse to my list of accomplishments! My friend Mick is hard at work on her latest fictional masterpiece.

After Kyle hung up the phone with Art, he decided to go downstairs and find an apple. Typically Kyle would find a bag of chips and a chocolate milk, but after starving himself for several months and getting down to a designer size, chips have lost their appeal. Being emaciated has become a priority and way of life.

Kyle reaches for the handle on the refrigerator and opens it with a long grunt.

"Ugh where is the diet soda?" He pushes aside day old salad and a cut up pineapple, yet he still sees no soda. "What the fuck?" He decides to just have water and takes one of the refilled water bottles out of the side shelf and opens the bottle cap. One large gulp and Kyle realizes how lonely he really has become. He looks out the window. It's bright outside and no sign of rain. "What to do..." Kyle walks into the living and falls onto the couch. He isn't sure if he wants to spend the day outdoors. Of his friends, who does he want to hang out with? None of them.

Don't worry, my depression is exaggerated to the same extent as my waist line.

I Wish I Was The Tackiest Person In The World, But Sadly I'm Not Even Close

2008-04-06T20:00:00.007-04:00

Perhaps it's morbid, but certainly not uncommon, to search for the facebook of a recently deceased school-mate you didn't know at all. I felt a little weird when that was my instinct when an email went out this afternoon that a freshman girl at UM had been found dead bellow Hecht Residential College, possibly after falling from the exterior stairwell. It's always tragic when a young life is cut short, and it's probably normal to want to know a little bit about who was lost. My Death Space, for example, still averages about 1 million hits a day according to Alexa, and this is from people looking at the profiles of people they had no connections to. I guess I can excuse a fascination with something that we'll all eventual face.

What I do think is unquestionably morbid, and hopefully uncommon, is finding things to mock about the deceased's profile. Not in very good taste, but that didn't stop a certain obnoxious offspring of a certain director of certain 80's popcorn classics from doing it, in the middle of the crowded campus library no less. I guess he felt that the "R.I.P." postings on her wall were ridiculous, and had to let a friend who stopped to say 'hi' know. Even reading one aloud, and I mean loud. The only reason I'm even aware of this kid is because he seems to do everything loudly and for attention. He then got up and called a friend to talk about it some more.

A girl who overheard him looked at her friend and said "tacky". I agree, although I guess I'm the one who just blogged about like a blind item (I probably just should have posted this on Juicy Campus). I'm loosing my ability to gauge tackiness, but I'm pretty sure blabbering ridicule about a sensitive subject in a crowded public space is pushing the tacky limit, and writing your feelings down in a quiet corner of the internet, whether it be condolences on a facebook wall or stupid blogs, is much less so.

I Must Muxtape

2008-04-06T16:56:00.002-04:00

semiserious.muxtape.com

Yes, most of these are on my latest WVUM tape show.

Lila Engle

2008-04-04T16:26:00.009-04:00

Klaus Dinger has left us with motorik, amazing music and apparently one lone solo picture. I think you could do worse than going down in visual history as an androgynous mad scientist. Yoko Ono has been working the look for years.

This of course means I have even less hope of seeing a beloved krautrock band live (if Os Mutantes can get back together and play 10 minutes from my house everything is possible). As a large potion of my heritage is German, the genre, along with minimal techno and Karl Lagerfeld, is pretty much the only pride I can take from the last 100 years of the motherland's history.

The Miami Hurricane is a Great Bastian of Student Thought

2008-04-03T16:19:00.004-04:00

So next time you think about bashing a hipster, just remember they're a generational group that is not influenced by society or social events, but rather a group that adapts to their surroundings, no matter what they may be. - from an opinion piece in UM's student newspaper The Miami Hurricane, 'Hippies were Hipper than Hipsters".

5 years after the topic has been beaten to death, The Hurricane finally chimes in on this whole hipster thing.

Obviously, we soak up movies like Juno because even though we don't act like her, it's nice to escape into the world of hipsters for a taste of the lifestyle.

At least I think that's what they're doing. I have no idea, because I can't figure out what point they're trying to make, except that everyone who saw Juno is secretly a hipster. Your Mom is a hipster. Jamie Lynn Spears is a hipster. We are all hipsters now. Why didn't they call up the Misshapes on their hamburger phones for a quote, homeskillet?

Time For My Moby Story

2008-03-30T15:46:00.007-04:00

Mystical music gnome Moby was hanging out all around Downtown Miami last night, and a lot people were freaking out like "Omg, it's Moby. Can I get a pic for my myspace? Let's go in the bathroom, the lighting is better in there. Omg so awesome, you scored all my favorite late 90's commercial, you're like my hero". I saw him at White Room, but I was totally cool because me and Moby have apparently partied before.

At CMJ in October I dropped by a DFA-connected party where Matt Cash was spinning. I'm a little bored because I don't know anyone there and finishing my drink, when I see this guy going around taking pictures like he's the next Merlin Bronques - except you can totally tell that he's some rich Euro-asshole who's only doing it as a way to approach busted chicks, and his creepiness is seriously annoying me. So, obviously I need to take a picture. I upload it to my computer latter and "HOLY SHIT IS THAT MOBY?"

I didn't even know he was there. The funny thing is apparently he was supposed to do a set at the WVUM party latter that night, which I don't think ever happened, but I'm not sure because I got lost and didn't make it there until 3 am [this was my first night in New York since I've been 21 really], and I kept asking people where this club "APT" was and finally some girls were like "ugh, it's over there, but it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo over."

Moby if you're reading this a) stop haunting me b) I have to agree with Miami Nights that "Southside" still is pretty much the jam.

What We All Aspire To

2008-03-26T14:55:00.003-04:00

I am totally facinated that this self proclaimed "it" girl has posed with a varitable Hallf of Fame of c-list stars and assembled the photos on her website. How c-list? She has pictures with every notable member of the Hilton family except Paris. Though somehow she snatched Leonardo DiCaprio. Then again, I'm not really sure how he managed to get to the a-list anyway.

Drive Straight Into My Top 8

2008-03-24T15:26:00.003-04:00

I imagine someone in the pr department at the Florida Department of Transportation wanted an excuse to cruise myspace during work hours and somehow convinced his bosses that creating a myspace for the SunPass mini was an amazing idea. "The kids these day love two things: MySpace and the word mini. Brilliant Idea!" (sorry but it's facebook and ~~nano~~ air now) The best thing though is that their song is Rihanna's "Shut Up And Drive".

Who Says Annie Leibovits Is Funny?

2008-03-18T08:36:00.006-04:00

A boob grab gag shouldn't be exhibit A in the case for woman's humor. I've never hated a magazine cover as much as this Annie Leibovits shot cover for Vanity Fair. Besides the fact it's a dreadful image and manages to make three pretty woman look bland and washed out, it's just not funny. Nor is the spread inside which features a dozen female comedians dressed up as tabloid trash. On pictures alone the message is woman are only funny if the jokes someone how involve their lady parts or taking down other women. Is this really the best they could come up with? If they needed visual proof that ladies are funny all they needed to do is do an homage to "I Love Lucy". So obvious, but yet not as trite as dressing Sarah Silverman up as Amy Winehouse. I'd much rather have her drunk on vitamins, or Jenna Fischer squashing grapes. Sure, the original Christopher Hitchen's essay which this article is refuting says that Lucy's humor is an exception instead of rule, but isn't that true for both genders? How many men can you Google Image search and find such a legacy of funny images?

The only redeeming aspect is Amy Sedaris smoking with a fake pregnancy belly. Not all that hilarious, but neither is a fake nose, and like Lucy she has that rare talent to make almost any image hilarious. A much more suiting visual exhibit that females are funny, and certainly much funnier smoking with a pregnant belly than Christopher Hitchens.

Stuff is to be on my Cat, not Liked by White People

2008-03-11T15:57:00.004-04:00

Based on number of MySpace bulletins, Stuff White People Like is the most liked thing by white people in years (excluding of course themselves, but few things overtake narcissism on a rubric based on MySpace bulletins). So I went, and started thinking "ummm, I don't like a whole lot of these things at all". In fact I counted, and I only like 26% of what white people like (it would have been higher if they included figuring out pointless statistics, because I, like other whiteys, love that shit). So is that the joke? White kids read it and think "omg while I do know a lot of white people who love these things, I do not. I am so 'not white', I'm going to show all my friends, and we'll laugh and laugh and laugh". The punchline being that a recurrent theme on the blog is that the thing white people love most of all (again barring statistics and themselves) is feeling non-white?

There I have figured it out, can we just end it please before someone starts Stuff Black People Like and the first entry is "Watermelons" and the entire internet erupts in a race riot? Let's cool down and read Stuff On My Cat, because no matter what color your skin is we all love seeing stuff on cats.

Can an Outsider Win Over The Inside of His Party?

2008-03-11T15:24:00.006-04:00

This is the primary season that never ends, yes it goes on an on my friends. Yet we seem to have reached a point where it seems impossible for Clinton to overtake Obama in pledged delegates. The hope that she'll tip the scale with super delegates is the obvious reason she continues, but why would they subvert the apparent will of the people? Well I can think of at least two reasons:

1) The fact that Hillary won the primary in Texas, but decisively lost the caucus says a lot about the skewed results caucuses can produce. Eliminating this voting method has long been tauted as a way to improve our presidential primary system, and the behind closed doors secret ballot is undoubtedly more democratic. Caucuses are way too public, allow for too much pressure, and take so much time that they likely cause potential voters to skip them. Hillary thus far has won the primaries in all the big states, except Illinois.

2) Money. Money. Money. Both campaigns have raised massive amounts of money. Obama has shown great skill in collecting smaller donations over the Internet, but will his donors shell out as much money to other parts of the party, or will they only pay up for rock star "outsiders"? Hillary's donor list and influence may pay off bigger for the party as a whole. In fact many Obama supporters probably aren't all that big on the party. Obama is sending a message of change against the establishment, and super delegates are undoubtedly the establishment. Though the downside is that Obama supporters are less likely to show up at the polls come November if Clinton is atop the ballot.

Almost no one agrees that the system for picking the nominee is perfect, so do they resign themselves to its outcome? I think it may be easy ignore for many super delegates, the real question is down to the decision between someone who has shown great power in stirring up younger voters and disillusioned liberals that can campaign hard, but may not care much about the rest of the party or do they choose the former First Lady who has won the key democratic states in primaries and whose supporters are more likely to pay out for the entire democratic ticket.

Coronation at Crystal Castle?

2008-03-08T17:35:00.004-05:00

Crystal Castles debut eponymous album is unleashed March 18, which will be something of a music none event for their fans. Many of the tracks have been making the blog rounds quit heavily, some for over 2 years now. Only one, the closer "Tell Me What To Swallow", hints at a something different from the band's punky chiptune with it's guitar strums and hazy vocals. The real anticipation comes with wondering how the press will react. The recent q+a with you dad's favorite music mag Rolling Stone leaves little doubt that even the most mainstream outlets are aware.

Will they trip over themselves to crown the duo as the latest electro force, reply with something of a "meh, I guess it's OK", or join the backlash full force? Fellow blog-buzzers Justice went over well with most of the Internet, but failed to garner much excitement in the establishment review pages of The Village Voice, Rolling Stone, or NME. CC doesn't have the benifits of anything approaching the undeniable pop carnival of "D.A.N.C.E." or the the torch of a storied genre like French House being passed to it's hands. If anything I predict a few to give strong reviews to prove how "with it" they are, a lot of "I suppose it's decent for a blog band", and maybe some contrarian pans. Pitchfork will probably give it a good review, the real question is whether it'll earn "best new music" status.

I'll also be anxious to see the reaction on the CMJ charts. I'd be surprised if it cracked the top 20 on the main chart, though it has a good shot of making waves on the RPM chart. College Radio sadly is a bit shy when it comes to both debuts and electro.

I'm not suggesting this is the undeniable album of the year (though it may make it into my top 10), but it'll be interesting to see how the big time record reviewers will respond to the band who's presenting an exciting new sound that's been ratified by rss.

The Hardest Goodbye, The Most Anticipated Hello

2008-03-07T18:41:00.003-05:00

In perhaps the most important and life altering Kyle related news in some time I have ordered a new computer.

Good bye iBook, my old friend. It's been a good run, but your once youthful all white exterior is now a sad shade of yellow, your keys have fallen off reminiscent of a balding middle aged man, and the cracks in your exterior can't be fixed by botox. Also you won't turn on you stupid pathetic fucker. Way to crap out.

Time for you to sit on God's lap now, old boy. We'll always have 7th Floor Crew.

As for the new MacBook pro, well, I apologize for all the disgusting, irresponsible, careless things I am sure to do to/with you, but I'm sure, with time, we'll get along just fine.

I Will Solve This Democratic Nominee Problem

2008-03-05T01:13:00.006-05:00

I've made a few calls, and I'm pretty sure I can get the constitution changed by Tuesday of next week, Thursday
at the latest. So once we get that done here's what we're going to do.
Instead of running one candidate against John McCain, we're going to
run 5. It's going to be exactly like the original X-Men line up, which
is to say awesome. Here's the line up:

Bill Clinton is
Cyclops, the fearless leader whose inability to control his one eyed
helmet always leads the team to trouble, but then it's totally cool
because he gets them out of it. Slick.

Hillary is Marvel Girl, she sticks by her man, experimented
with some skirts in the 60's but ultimately stuck to a pant suit
uniform, often has problems controlling her mind, and is prone to give
those near her head aches.

Al Gore is Iceman, he hates when shit gets hot.

Obama is Angle, he's graceful, inspiring and has chosen an identity that implies he's free of sin.

Ed Kennedy is Beast, he's the only prominent fat democrat I could think of.

But who will be Professor X? Oh wait, James Carville!

Well, I've convinced myself that this is actually a much better way to go about things.

Franny, Ro and Curly

2008-02-28T20:02:00.005-05:00

Did you hear Rosie and Fran are getting a sitcom? No, Rosie Perez and Fran Lebowitz aren't updating "Chico and the Man". It'll be Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher bringing VH1's idea of casting loud mouthed, past-their-primers to the world of scripted television. All that's known about the show is that it centers on three best friends, which begs the question "who will be cast as the third best friend?"

Deaf, Dumb & Blinds
Betty White plays an elderly woman who is slowly loosing her hearing. Instead of resigning herself to fate she decides to take a job in a store specializing in window treatments owned by Fran and Rosie. After her first day at work with the two she soon can't hurry her inevitable deafness along fast enough. [According to recent polling Betty White is currently the the answer of 71% of Americans to the answer "who is the old person you'd most like to carry around in your pocket?" She also still has her comedy chops.]

Leave It To Non-Gender Specific Euphemism For Genitalia or Two and a Half Half-Men
Rosie is a ftm transexual who is married to mtf transexual Fran. Before transitioning they gave birth to a child played by singer Antony Hegarty. Adorable lil' Tony gets into all sorts of cute hijinks while exploring the boundaries of gender, but Dod and Mam are always there to guide zer. Lou Reed guest stars as Uncle Jerry.

There Is No Justice
Patricia Heaton joins Fran and Rosie to form an all-female law firm, except ruh-oh! they don't see eye to eye on anything! The only thing liberal Ro and conservative Patty can agree on is that Fran needs to shut the fuck up and never laugh again.

Hell
This is Hell. Perez Hilton joins Fran and Rosie in Hell, and we're all doomed to it. Don't worry this show will only get green lit if John McCain gets elected President.

Kyle and Kristen Aim About Non-Anorexic Models

2008-02-28T18:49:00.003-05:00

Kyle: Did you hear a model got sent home from Paris for gaining 5 lbs?
Kristen: What model?

Kyle: Her. This is the one show she got to do this season.
Kristen: WHAT A COW
Kyle: I know. If I look at her any longer I might loose 5 lbs just by barfing. If she looked in a mirror she'd do it the same thing and everything would be fine.
Kristen: Models aren't even pretty anymore.
Kyle: They all have architecture for faces.

[original story: Wasn't Skinny Supposed to Be Out of Fashion?]

on another thought: Balenciaga again got universal raves, which maybe it deserves, but the fact remains not a single one of those dresses could be worn with much else, especially body fat. Meanwhile Margiela got kind of "meh" response. I kind of though they'd look sexy on a fuller figer woman. (well first I thought they reminded me of the KRELwear get up I saw on the lead singer of Afrobeta last week.) The dresses themselves are flouncy and would hide a little bit of bulge, but they're still revealing. The layering of tights underneath reveals body shape, but not every flaw. It would look like what would happen if Beth Ditto had taste.

Photos from the 5th Annual International Noise Conference

2008-02-26T19:43:00.005-05:00

I brought my Holga with me to the Churchill's two Saterdays ago for the final night of the 5th annual International Noise Conference. I May add a few more to more flickr eventually if I get the time to print them.

New Soles

2008-02-21T13:44:00.004-05:00

are the new

The taste of people who spend too much time going to concerts and wearing skinny jeans have shifted in terms of corporately produced canvas footwear. Just letting old guys looking to be relevant, Nickelodeon Wardrobe masters, and sorierty chicks purposely trying to dodge the sorierty cliche know.

Obama Could Unite (The Greatest Comedy Team of our Generation)

2008-02-21T10:53:00.004-05:00

SNL is looking for an actor to play Barack Obama, because the only black male cast mate is too fat and Maya Rudolph, who can play ANY RACE!, can't play a man. The obvious choice is of course Kel Mitchell, which would reunite the greatest comedy team of all time, or at least the greatest comedy team from Nickelodeon (same dif). Kenan and Kel! Awwww here it goes!!!!!!!

If Obama can do that, then maybe I really can hop aboard the blind hope express, after all. When we get down to the issues that really matter in this race, well I just don't see how Hillary could compete with that. She's have to bring back new episodes of Rocko's Modern Life, or get the endorsement of the giant ear of corn.

Kenan: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.
Kel: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.
Kenan: What? What are you talking about?
Kel: Okay, I give up. Who am I?
Kenan: I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

Who Loves Orange Soda? KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA!

Drake and Josh ain't got shit.

That'll be five bucks.

Take Our Money, But Not Our Votes

2008-02-20T18:44:00.005-05:00

Amount of money raised in Florida by the Democratic candidates:
Clinton: $5,964,264
Obama: $3,553,548
source

Amount of delegates to be seated at the Democratic Nation Convention: 0

If you're a rich Floridian you got your say, but if you're an average Joe you got disenfranchised.

I think the original primary should stand: there was record turnout, all major candidates were on the ballot, and we've got youtube, blogs, and cable news now - do we need to suffer through a barrage of bumper stickers and blah blah speeches?

Coming to the Runway of Every Designer who Considers Themselves Edgey

2008-02-16T17:07:00.004-05:00

Sort of awesome, but seriously: Coach sneakers?

I Wish I Had Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam

2008-02-15T14:40:00.002-05:00

The boringness of my Environmental Politics class and the current ineptness of my laptop have conspired to make me a Bejewled master. How did I ever live with out cellphone games before? I just scored my highest score on action mode with 11,215! Oh yeah!

John McCain Looked Old Even When He Was Young

2008-02-15T12:27:00.002-05:00

1. There is a McCain ad on Pitchfork, with a young McCain. It might be just contextual advertising because they carried a story about his daughter's music blog today, but the picture of him as a young man makes me think not.

2. Oh, hey Matmos has a new album coming out!

When You're Twenty One You're No Fun

2008-02-13T22:58:00.003-05:00

Last time Ladytron came I didn't get my ticket in advanced. When we drove by Studio A and saw the line outside we didn't get out of the car. The only lines I like at Studio A are inside. Ayo. J/K. Seriously. Drugs are bad. Puns are worse.

I was excited when I heard they had another Miami gig coming up, but it's not until June 12. I graduate on May 9th and I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to do or where I'm going to be after that. It's less than 90 days away, and I've never been at a point where I don't have a general idea of what my life will be like in that time. Ugh life. I need to polish up my resume and get a nice interview suit.

Get Innocuous

2008-02-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

I'm actually a little more pissed at the world because LCD Soundsystem lost the Grammy for best dance album to the Chemical Brothers than I am at the fact that Hillary lost every single primary this weekend (ugh, I am so sick of politics). Hillary vs Obama = lots of gray areas. LCD Soundsystem as the best album to get any Grammy nom this year, dance or not = fact.

Whatever. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that far too many have come to before me: I should be the only person to vote on anything ever.

Moët Enters The Snark Age, Brings Sonic Youth Along

2008-02-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

"Rachel Zoe was seen screaming and cursing because she couldn't get in [to the Marc Jacobs show]. She tried to fight her way in with through the bouncers but they pushed her back and she ran off to her town car while those inside were rocking to Sonic Youth and happily sipping Moët."

- From a PRESS RELEASE sent out by Moët, via Fashionista.

Are you kidding me? They sent this out so blatantly in a press release? Rachel Zoe, by the way, is the celeb stylist responsible for Nicole Richie style transformation and rumored drug fueled weight loss, and now works with every feather thin girl in Lalaland. Not an easy person to like (Nicole Richie fired her and dubbed her "Raisin Face"), and not someone I'm going to defend, but did a major luxury company just put out a press release with petty gossip in it?

Moët puts the Moët in LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, the biggest purveyors of over priced la-de-das in the world. Marc Jacobs, when he's not dying his hair blue, fucking porn stars, or posing nude for fashion magazines finds time to be the creative director of Vuitton, and his Marc Jacobs show is the hottest ticket of NY Fashion Week. You'd think with all of that they'd have the class to let potential Perez Hilton filler fall beneath them. Or at least the sense to leak it a bit more discreetly. Of course Zoe just got a gig consulting on the revived, and potentially competing, Halston label, but na-na-na-boo-boo press releases are pretty ugly. Almost as ugly as half the crap LV slaps their monogram on.

And really? Did they have to drag Sonic Youth into this petty nonsense?

edit: Ugh, Apparently Kevin Federline was seated in the front row. So tacky. Such a gross combination of trying to be cool and desperately seeking blog approval. So shallow pretty much all of it. Why would Kim Gordan endorse all this?

Sorry About Your Eyeballs

2008-02-08T02:34:00.001-05:00

You know what I really love? Super tacky, hyper colorful album art!

I keep a folder on my computer for these. One day I will post one thousand of them, and you'll never be able to see again.

List of Female Heads of State or Government Preceded By Their Husbands or Fathers

2008-02-08T01:21:00.000-05:00

Behind the cut is a list of Female Heads of State and/or Government whose husbands or fathers were powerful Politicians. All but one of the men where either the Head of State or Government as well. The only case where this isn't true is when the husband, a leader of the opposition, was assassinated, which propelled his wife to her position. Obviously the list doesn't include cases of monarchy. I don't have the exact percentage, but these women account for a sizable chunk of the total number of female heads of State and Government through out history.

Soong Ching-ling - Chairmen of the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress 1981, Co-Acting Chairwoman of the People's Republic of China 1968-1972, Co-Vice Chairwoman of the People's Republic of China 1959-1975. Wife of Sun Yat-sen, President of the Republic of China 1912.

Isabel Martínez de Perón - 42nd President of Argentina and 28th Vice-President of Argentina. Wife of Juan Perón, 29th and 41st President of Argentina.

Corazon Aquino - 11th President of the Philippines. Wife of Benigno Aquino, Jr., assassinated Senator, and leader of the oppositioning to the regime that precedded his wife's.

Chandrika Kumaratunga - 5th President of Sri Lanka. Daughter of Solomon Bandaranaike, 4th Prime Minister of Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) and Sirimavo Bandaranaike (see below).

Sirimavo Bandaranaike - 7th Prime Minister of Ceylone, 9th and 15th Prime Minister of Sri Lanka. FWife of Solomon Bandaranaike (see above). First Female Prime Minister in the World.

Janet Jage - Prime Minister of Guyana 1997, President of Guyana 1997-1999. Wife of Cheddi Jagan, President of Guyana 1992-1997.

Mireya Moscoso (apparently a MDCC grad) - 22nd President of Panama. Wife of Arnulfo Aris, President of Panama 1940-1941, 1949-1951, and 1968.

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo - 14th President of the Philippines. Daughter of Diosdado Macapagal, 9th President of the Philippines.

Megawati Sukarnoputri, 5th President of Indonesia. Daughter of Sukarno, 1st President of Indonesia.

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, 55th President of Argentina. Wife of Néstor Kirchner, 54th President of Argentina.

Eveline Widmer-Schlumpf, member of Swiss Federal Council 2008-present. Daughter of Leon Schlumpf, member of Swiss Federal Council 1979-1987.

Benazir Bhutto, Prime Minister of Pakistan 1988-1990 and 1993-1996. Daughter of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, President Minister of Pakistan 1971-1973, Prime Minister of Pakistan 1973-1977.

Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi, 4th Prime Minister of India. Daughter of Jawaharlal Nehru, 1st Prime Minister of India.

Sheikh Hasina, 10th Prime Minister of Bangladesh. Daughter of Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, 1st President of Bangladesh.

Stella Sigcau, Prime Minister of Transkei 1987. Daughter of Botha Sigcau, 1st President of Transkei.

Khaleda Zia, 9th, 10th, and 12th Prime Minister of Banladesh. Wife of Ziaur Rahman, 1977-1981.

The Reattatchments

2008-02-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

I find myself attatching a couple of documents over and over again to different emails. Sometimes I'm not at home, and I have to go into my sent email, download them from there, and then reattatch them. Wouldn't it be nice if GMail gave you an option to browse files you've previously attatched, or atleast a handfull of favorites, and then let you attatch them in one click?

I don't read Life Hacker at all, so maybe someone has beat me to this idea and made it a reality.

Goodbye To The Stupid Things On Your Heads

2008-02-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

The last 24 hours have seen the eliminatation of two of the more annoying competitors in the two most important competitions in our country. Though not the most annoying in either, as sadly we still have Huckabee and Christian.

Jill/Hill 2008

Love Pete Wentz, Hate Politicians

2008-02-06T13:59:00.000-05:00

Why is Rolling Stone still in print? In their latest issue (there's been 1045 of these things) they pick people like Pete Wentz, Akon and Chris Daughtry as music "experts", while simultaneously tearing down both Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This is their message: be unquestioning in what our major record labels put out, think everything our major politicians say are cold calculated lies.

Matt Taibbi, who wrote the aforementioned article (The New Nixon), cherry picks a few facts from the early chapters of the Hillary Bio A Woman In Charge to paint her as a Republican at heart, while leaving out tidbits like the fact she was a strong advocate for children's rights, and interned for a law firm with communist ties in her youth. Meanwhile he affirms that Obama "bared his vagina to the state of Nevada" and isn't quit black and manly enough for him. Clinton apparently is the new Nixon (cold and calculating) and Obama is the new Kennedy (superficial and running on image). Shut the fuck up Matt Taibbi. Politics is smoke and a joke, get used to it. Damn.

Meanwhile in the same issue you can turn to page 23 and learn all about The Jonas Brothers (Disney's Emo Heartthrobs)!

Street Jizz

2008-02-06T13:48:00.001-05:00

Ssion is a cheap high. Totally fun the first few times, but doesn't exactly reveal deep layers of cosmic meaning on repeated use. Think Peaches. Pronounced "shun", they're a polysexual music/art/film collective from Kansas City, Mo, naturally. Fool's Gold is a nice combo of all those sounds that have been trendy lately, and hits a high point with "The Woman". Sung by a guest singer, who adopts a heavy european accent in the vein of Nina Hage, it starts out building up like a Le Tigre song that's going to drop some heavy feminism on the dance floor. A chorus of women chant "the women, all the womans", but never quit becomes a NOW theme song, and climaxes with this nuggest of wisdom: "I have one promise for you all: that not one of you will be left behind because every woman in the world ...is a woman!" Deep.

I Had Some Thoughts About Super Wednesday Morning

2008-02-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

-When is Obama going to adopt Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come" as his campaign song?

-NPR said in Cali men are voting 2-1 for Obama. Dear Media: a little less of the "if you don't vote for Obama you're a filthy racist", a little more "if you don't vote for Clinton you're a sexist pig". Gloria Steinham can't do it all on her own, and only so many people take her seriously anyway.

-McCain is a fucking war hero, has 25 years in congress, is funny on The Daily Show, is probably still secretly a moderate, championed campaign finance, is a white dude, was the favorite republican of the press and the anti-bush until like a year ago... Jezz, we are so fucked in November.

-Atleast we don't have to deal with a religious nut job this time. That alone is almost enough to make me believe in God.

-Hillary Clinton has a sense of humor, and her writer is better than the ones who normally do Us Fashion Police.

-I'm changing my resume to say change! change! change! all over it and "p.s. I'm not some bitch with baggage". You can hire me now.

-My best friend Leslie said "Oh she's just being Hillary". Any Hanna Montanna fans?

-Michelle Obama seems like a very nice lady. Am I denying myself the possibility of a Michelle presidency here?

-If Obama wins how the fuck is late night tv going to make fun of him? Doesn't anyone think about these things before they cast their vote?

-My new line for Obama's experience is three years and "change", ahahaha. Get it? Still, monologues are gonna either not be funny or slightly racist (so not funny).

-If Hillary doesn't, atleast we're adding Burial to WVUM rotation tomorrow. Finally. I am almost as excited for that.

-OMG, MSNBC just projected Clinton in California!!!!!! CNN TOO. Everyone!

-I am sorry for all those sorta mean things I said about Obama. I know how you feel, I was crushed when Moseley-Braun dropped out, and then Dean crashed and burned. I guess it's not "over", but God I hope it is. I need to blog about something else, and I am totally ignoring NY Fashion Week.

-Ugh, the delegates are just about tied. I hope I'm un-disenfranchised and they have to bring in Michigan and Florida as the tie-breakers.

Flaw Makers

2008-02-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about why I haven't been swept up in all the Obama craze. Perhaps it's because when I saw him at the Univision debate he wasn't having an on night. I was pretty disapointed, but that doesn't explain my growing enthusiasm for Hillary. My latest thinking is that I identify more with her because of her flaws.

Obama, personally, seems flawless. I mean he smokes and did coke. Boring, big deal. Hillary on the other hand has had every flaw pointed out in public for the last decade and a half, faced tons of hate, and somehow survived to run a serious presidential campaign. To me, that's really inspiring. She's not perfect in almost any measure, has a slightly fucked up family situation (even pre-Bill), and is just kind of an odd apple. I'm willing to admit that I identify with that.

Bob Herbet in the NY Times today commented on how Hillary supporters are more realists, and Barack supporters are more idealists. Maybe that doesn't extend outside of politics for everyone, but for me I think "realist" is a good way to describe the ways I judge a lot of things. So if Hillary supporters are, in this hackneyed thinking, more willing to admit flaws in themselves and others, are Obama supporters a bit more egotistical? I mean the man did run for the highest office in the land after only two years on the scene.

I don't mean to sound so down on Obama all the time. I honestly look forward to voting for him in 2016.

No Country For Old Bitches

2008-02-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

Radar cover pitch: Ok, this month I think we should photoshop the renowned ice queen, who despite doing an excellent job everyone seems to love to hate, and frequently gets called a bitch (point to ponder: if she were a man would we think so negatively of her?) being upset by the less experienced, youthful hot shot who all the kids, and old people desperately trying to be cool love.

Radar editor: Yeah, but we had Hillary and Obama on the cover a few months ago.

Miami Beach Parking Isn't All That Bad

2008-02-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

I went to the beach this afternoon, which has against all odds become a recent habit, and parked in the 17th street lot on South Beach. After increasing my chance of sun cancer and wrinkles for a few hours I came back, put my ticket in the on-foot-payment machine, paid the $5 and kind of threw it at my dashboard. It landed on the face of my huge gas gauge and slid half way in between the glass and plastic. Thinking "oh I better grab that before it slides all the way in" I went to grab it and, well obviously with my luck, it slid all the way in. My first instinct was to rip the cheap plastic around the thing off, so I did. I looked through and see it leads down to the floor, where I then looked (after ripping my dashboard apart mind you) and it wasn't there. I got into some ungodly position to look up through my dashboard (I may not have delicate fingers, but I'm flexible), and didn't see anything. I slipped an old receipt in to see where it might fall, and there's another path into God knows what. So now I'm like "fuck I'm going to have to pay the Twenty-some dollar lost ticket fee".

So I go up and tell the lady my unlikely story, she calls someone, who comes right away. He believes me and let's me go. Thank you Miami Beach Parking.

Wake Up It's 2013

2008-01-31T17:45:00.001-05:00

Your calendar is wrong. 2013 is actually coming in early 2008, and you can take a peak into the near future tonight. Junc Ops, the hip-hop project of local electronic producers Kentsoundz and PG-13, is dropping by WVUM at 11pm for a bit of chit chat. We'll be playing some tracks off their upcoming debut album 2013, which officially drops Febuary 23rd on PG's own Circuitree Records. Hopefully that will convince you to check out the official release party on Feb 21 at Churchill's, and another performance at the same place on March 27th.

Circuitree,ever focused on the future, seems to have a lot in the works with a national release and college radio push for their Silicon Graffiti compilation, as well as some possible big name collabos. Keep an ear out.

WVUM can be heard on 90.5 fm in most of Dade county and streaming online at WVUM.ORG

Oh, I Think I'm So Funny

2008-01-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

Kyle: Ugh, why is this in my facebook feed [link to some birthday party pic of a girl I went to highschool with]?
Kristen: What is ALL THAT?
Kyle: So much clingy rayon and unemployed noses.
Kyle: Omg, how has that joke not been made before?
Kyle: Uneployed noses? NOSES THAT NEED A JOB
Kyle: I just struck comedy gold.
Kristen: oh i didnt get it but NOW I GET IT, but seriously who are these people? I can't stop looking.

One day I am going to write a movie including that joke, and it is going to be in every single trailer for it, to the point that you totally hate it. It doesn't even matter that much if it's actually funny. If "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet" can make it, so can this.

Major Labels May Be Worried About Sales, But They'll Always Have College Radio (Sadly)

2008-01-30T21:14:00.001-05:00

On which year-end radio plays chart do you think Amy Winhouse, The Killers, Sheryl Crow and Fall Out Boy crack the top 40? Billboard? Maybe, I'm not going to look it up, jeez, but definitely the CMJ Radio Select Tracks 2007 chart.

CMJ scans the top 100 college/non-comm stations' signals and creates a chart bsaed on number of spins as an alternative to the main charts, which rely on self-submitted playlists from 450+/- stations. It's maybe a more honest way to look at the state of college radio. Although, not every independent label sends their music to Media Guide (the company that actually scans the signal, and who also owns the handy Yes.Com), most of the records that have an active campaign behind them are submitted. The 2007 year-end charts tallies up songs by the total number of plays recieved. Peter Bjorn & John's "Young Folks", unsurprisingly and fittingly, took the top spot, followed by a lot of major-lable-"indie" like Modest Mouse, White Stripes, Feist, Interpol and Bjork and then some actually indie whateverness like Spoon, The Shins and Bright Eyes.

Then there is some seriouse WTFness:
#6 Amy Winehouse "You Know I'm No Good"
#8 The Killers "Read My Mind"
#14 Incubus "Dig"
#16 Amy Winehouse "Rehab"
#21 Ryan Adams w/ Sheryl Crow "Two"
#22 Fall Out Boy "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race"
#27 Smashing Pumpkins "Tarantula"
#40 Papa Roach [they still exist? *roach joke*] "Forever"
#42 Foo Fighters "The Pretenders"
#51 The Red Hot Chili Peppers "Hump De Bump"
#53 Linkin Park "What I've Done"
Other appearances include KT Tunstall, My Chemical Romance, Hot Hot Heat, The Used, Nine Inch Nails, Yellowcard, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Sick Puppies and Eddie Vedder. Lily Allan, Gnarles Barkely (yes it came out in mid2006), QOTSA, and Bruce Springsteen made into onto the album equivalent.

All in all only 34 tracks on the 100 spot chart were actually on Independent Labels. Major labels also claimed over half of the album chart. I'm not going to argue this result from a taste perspective (although there's lots to be said), but instead from an ideological perspective (blah blah blah I'm the co-music director of WVUM, I direct co-music). There are few places in our culture that allow art that takes chances and is truly innovative to get through. The same reason you don't want Ratatouille at your art-house cinema is the same reason you don't want Amy Winehouse on your college radio station. Yes she may be a very entertaining little vermin, but she's going to get tons of (over)exposure otherwise. Every time a college radio dj plays a track off Billy Corrigan's shameless Smashing Pumpkins "reunion" record (which apparently was a lot, #13 most played record) it means some lesser, probably much better band who weren't MTV mainstays don't get their record played. Now I realize that not every college radio station is going to be as ideological as WVUM, and not every listener is going to respect that, but there has to be something better to play than Papa Roach. There's so few chances to play music on the radio that's not part of a corporate approved play list. Why anyone would waste it by playing Fall Out Boy, I'll never know.

Up In Smoke

2008-01-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

Whenever I feel that my occasional interest in smoking starts to become more of a primary concern I pick up a pack of American Spirit cigarettes. It's sort of like the punishment certain over zealous parents dole out to their kids when they find a beer bottle in their room; that is make them drink an entire bottle of tequila (and for the modern parent: video tape it, and put it up on youtube). I guess the traditional smoking equivalent is smoking an entire pack in one sitting, (I've always wondered what there's parents do when they find porno...) but a pack of these is just fine. They're obviously for the more advance smoker among us, with their rough taste, stubborn quality and insane amounts of nicotine. For someone who usually sticks to Marlboro 27s and the free Camel no 9s that seem to be everywhere (bitch cigs, but such a nice box) it's all a little much. That's my American Spirit: if its too hard, give up.

Like A Comet Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky: Gone Too Soon

2008-01-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

While Giuliani was single handidly removing all of the "creepy" from Times Square he accidently absorbed mass amounts of the quality. Perhaps, this deprived us forever of the hilarity his full scale campaign was sure to unleash. Honestly though, what a bizarre run. A national early lead didn't translate to a single primary win, and put his reputation and background through the ringer. He was better off with most of Americans having fond memories of the mayor.

I used to look at him and remember that time on SNL after 9/11 when Lorne Michaels was like "Can we be funny now?" and Rudy said "Why Start Now?". Yeah IDK, but that's a lot better than "Omg you married your cousin?".

Eau De Glorified Strip Mall

2008-01-29T18:21:00.001-05:00

It's nice that Sunset Place, the graveyard of so many teenage cliches, now has a successful adult plot. However, the levels of noxious colegne fumes that comes from placing Martini Bar across from a Hollister can't be good for the environment, or anyone walking by.

Invisible Primary!

2008-01-29T12:58:00.000-05:00

moar funny pictures

Last time around I didn't get to waste a vote on Howard Dean or mah gurl Carol Moseley-Braun, because I didn't turn 18 until the summer. This time the fun is spoiled by the fact that it doesn't count even if I do vote for a viable candidate. Yay Florida! Ugh, I guess I should at least go to give my well thought out opinion of property appraisers, special trial boards, property taxes and machines (both slot and voting).

For those of you not playing along at home, the fact that I used the legendary Socks the Cat in that pic may give you a hint of who I'm about to cast my meaningless vote for!

Paris Hilton Has The Last Laugh

2008-01-29T07:40:00.000-05:00

Nicky Hilton carries on her person at all times a key to a safety deposit box which holds the writings, journals, and most importantly the manifesto of her sister, Paris Hilton. The moment of Paris' demise Nicky is instructed to fly to LA immediately and release the content of this box to the world. This is perhaps Nicky's soul reason for existing.

Apon this material's release it will be revealed to the public that, indeed, the joke was on them. Paris, born with a sharp intelligence into a world of privilege and excess, at a young age saw a unique opportunity to exploit the ridiculousness of our times and decide to dedicate her life to art. Not that she would make art, but that her life would become it. Armed with the aide of peroxide, blue contacts, and a forced taste for sequins she transformed her self into the glamazon we know today. Starting small with party photos and Page Six press she quickly catapulted her self into the the consciousness of even the dumbest of Americans. A feat few artists of modern times, the guy who draws pictures of cartoon characters fucking on the internet aside, achieve.

She has enlisted unwittingly other young female celebrities into her grand performance art. Britney Spears, the accidental de Kooning to her Kandinsky, for a while caused Paris some jealousy. After all her work Paris had never created such a masterful spectacle. She comforted her self with the fact that "bitch, is actually crazy", and is currently working on a new piece involving carrying the child of Omar Bin Laden, developing a rumored jenkam addiction, and hijacking a sperm bank.

It's impossible to know the full scope of these writings, and the impact they will have on society. They may very well be the most important human texts of the last century. Eager to find out, I'll wait in anticipation, like most people, for the day Paris Hilton dies.

Is This a Cliche Yet?

2008-01-26T21:25:00.000-05:00

Suggested Titles for Porn Take Offs of Oscar Best Picture Nominees:

Abonement
There Will Be Cum
Michael Gayfun
Underage Bareback Preggo Whores #12
No Cunt For Old Men ....so LEMON PARTY!

Less Popular Than Semiconductors

2008-01-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

No, I do not have 18 subscribers on Google reader. This other blog called Semiserious does. Its all about "revealing commentary and news about the semiconductor industry".

I don't need to have the first part explained to me, because hey I've only been back at this for about 3 weeks, but can someone explain to me what a semiconductor is?

Oh, P.S.

Mohawks Are For Those Who Know Not

2008-01-25T17:33:00.001-05:00

Mohawks are the kind of haircut you get when you're a seven year old boy at summer camp. Making fauxhawks the kind of haircut you get when you don't have the balls of a seven year old boy. Either, and other hawk type haircuts (lowhawks, blowhawks, frohawks, and corn-rowhawks to name a few), should never be worn by anyone whose age outnumbers their shoe size. Much like the hair style of Queen Elizabeth I they should come to be viewed, and perhaps even appreciated, as historical haircuts.

Wearers of mohawks have various reasons for doing so, cheif among them is to convey that they are somewhat of a "badass". They don't play by societies rules, and wish to express this by choosen a hairstyle that society has ruled to be reserved for "badass"-wannabees and those adopted by Angelina Jolie. However it should be noted that no recorded "badass" of any significance has worn a mohawk since 1983.

So please frat boys, tough gays, and scuzz punks, put down the pomade. If you must shave an unconvential part of your head while leaving others quit harried, may I suggest something in a nice Cut Off Your Hands.

Why Isn't Kraftwerk in The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?

2008-01-25T15:44:00.000-05:00

On March 10th the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will honor its latest bunch of inductees, including Madonna and Leonard Cohen. Though, one of the most influential bands in music history continue to go unrewarded. It's hard to imagine what the radio would sound like these days with out the advent of electronic music, and no one pioneered the pop possibility of electronic sound like Kraftwerk. It's a slight that challenges the integrity of the already questionable Hall of Fame.

Of course Hall of Fame denotes something different than, say, Hall of Quality and Innovation. However their website's overview of inductees mentions nothing about a solely American point of view. Kraftwerk's two entrances in the American singles charts are overshadowed by their multiple appearances on European charts. They most recently hit the UK's top 20 in 2003 (with a new version of a 20 year old song, no less).

This doesn't even speak of the continued presence of samples of the band in popular music. Kraftwerk is perhaps the most sampled band ever; a claim that's tricky to prove, but hard to argue. Their influence is so great that recently we've seen the emergence of second hand sampling. Missy Elliot's "Loose Control" liberally samples Cybotron's "Clear", which is built on Kraftwerk's Hall of Mirrors. Fergie's "Fergalioucess" is basically a mash up of two booty bass songs that both originally sampled Kraftwerk: J. J. Fad's "Supersonic" and Afrorican's "Give It All You Got". Even one of this year's nominees Madonna has used elements of "Trans Europe Express" in her "Music". More obviously, and some what outrageously, is the fact that the Hall put Afrika Bambataa on the short list of nominees (though he didn't make it in) while the man's main claim to fame is "Planet Rock". The song is revolutionary, no doubt, but it's basically rapping over the mash up of two even more revolutionary Kraftwerk records.

Though I doubt the continued snub weighs too much on Kraftwerk's collective computerized brain. The band never was much for the notion of fame, and I'd like to think they'd one up the Sex Pistols by simply sending their robots to accept. The Hall of Fame needs Kraftwerk much more than Kraftwerk needs the Hall of Fame.

2008-01-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

10 Things You Don't Know About Women: Jennifer Love Hewitt from Esquire.

Hey Jennifer, I already knew most of this things. I've seen them printed on the "quirky" stationary my Mom buys. So maybe you could illuminate us in something no one seems to know: why you still have a career?

Future Punishment

2008-01-24T13:29:00.000-05:00

In the future I predict that we will eliminate the concept of life sentences and the death penalty, and instead with the advent of new technologies, we'll shrink all heinous offenders down to 1/12th of their original size. A large portion of the prison system will then be replaced by a 500 square foot studio apartment somewhere in North Dakota outfitted with various dollhouses and surveillance cameras. Prisoners will be able to live however they want with in these confines. Most likely this will result in a ruthless, violent mini-society that in full size would appear to be inhumane. However citizens will accept it as they will find the web cast totally awesome, and I suspect, at times adorable.

Fuck You Baby Boomers aka Why We Need More Abortions and Gays and Vanity Fair Subscriptions

2008-01-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

So, yes, today's big news sent me into a momentary breakdown and made me question my entire existence (aka the Internet) and live
blog it in comments. BUT apparently there was some other big news today that had something to do with the Stock Market and the Fed. Which really underscores something that is sure to send me into a complete breakdown somewhere down the line: MY GENERATION IS ECONOMICALLY AND ENVIRONMENTALLY FUCKED.

So look, there's about 6.45 billion people on the planet (tying into today's other news item: ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! AND LOTS MORE OF IT, PLEASE!), and by the time I die (assuming I don't kill my self or overdose on sleeping pills) it'll be about 9 million. Meanwhile the available resources are dwindling. Not a good situation. Listen guys, I know you all think you're awesome and have the myspace friends to prove it, but, holy shit, your genes aren't that great and really you only need one mini-me. The environment can't stand your kids anymore than the people in Target when they're screaming around the store about not getting Hannah Montana tickets. Brad and Angelina have the kind of DNA you'd kill for, but they only pumped out one Pilloh Shitt. Tie your tubes, or got to Costco and get a jumbo jar of ru-486. Maybe you'll go to Hell, but at least you won't be contributing to turning Earth into one.

Maybe that's not enough though, because the fucking Baby Boomers have already done their damage. "Oh hey guys, guys, so w/e lets live like we're the only fucking generation to ever exist. We'll all drive SUVs and invest in real-estate like it's some intangible stock and the price of housing doesn't have any thing to do with how people live, and pretend like no music will ever be better than The Beatles". Greatest Generation? Really? They gave birth to this fuckheads. I have to get a job in 4 months, and they've elected the Douche Bag supreme, the embodiment of all that's wrong with his generation, George W. Bush and got us involved in some mother fucking war instead of investing in like electric cars or hydrogen jet packs or some shit, and I'm not going to get the cushy media job with generous benefits I so obviously deserve.

Idk what we're going to do, my bff Jill, but here's some ideas:

1. We all turn gay. Did you ever wonder why since if we've had Gays since the begining of time it took them a couple of millennia to finally come out of the closet? The reverberations of the civil right movement ...or the awesome plan of a holy being. Look, if Gays got married they could adopt all the babies that didn't
get aborted. They also spend like crazy, and they hate that tacky Chinese shit. Gays love love love USA Made stuff, like American Apparel briefs. That could turn us around right there. They also don't eat junk food, y'know 6packs and all. Another thing is that they love to live in cities...

2. The rich need to stop turning big cities into their personal playgrounds. Do you know how expensive it is to live in Manhattan? Too expensive for people with kids to live there, and the ones that do turn into Gossip Girl incarnate. So all the people
who can't afford Marc Jacobs bags for their twelve yearolds are forced to spread out in the suburbs and settle for Marc by Marc. The point being is that cities are actually good for the environment. Mostly because we're impacting the hell out of one tiny spot instead of impacting the purgatory out of every desirable piece of soil we can. Plus people don't need to commute to work and burn gallons and gallons of gasoline. The Japanese live like that. I mean really if we all lived in giant towers the terrorists probably wouldn't have crashed into those two.

3. Let's stop being so dumb. Our schools are shit sacks. "Oh, you know how to read and do your algebras? Yay, you're so smart. We didn't leave you behind, did us?" I think we need to install American children with an appreciation for opera and a conversational knowledge of 20th century art. These are the people that read Vanity Fair and Radar and are easily guilted into pretending to care about the environment. These are the people that spend $30,000 on an outfit to go out to spend on a $5,000 charity auction. These are the people that are easy to make fun of, yet not in a way that makes me depressed about humanity, but still in a way that lets me assert my superiority. In any event they don't go down to Jena to protest MLK Jr. Day with a saw-ed off shot gun. We'll just have to make sure they aren't giant hypocritical assholes like their current iteration ("Oh, well I recycle my evian bottles, but there's no way I'm ever giving up flying charter").

Basically we need to all become Homosexual Urbanist Pseudo-Intellectuals. Either we'll save the Earth or bring about the Appocalypse that much quicker and put us out of our collective misery.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger, also I'm an Asshole

2008-01-22T18:28:00.000-05:00

Minutes ago I sat down in the library, and checked my Google reader. You already know by now what I read, and like most I'm shocked and saddened. I was thinking about it in contrast to the media circus and death-countdown-wet-dreams that circles the Spears and Dohertys of the world like vultures. Then I overheard some stupid sorority girl bemoaning "yeah, I heard he was supposed to be the best Joker, he really caught the psychosis of the character. He's supposed to be so much better than Jim Carrey's Joker." At which I had to smirk, and then of course I felt like an asshole.

I know it's asking too much, but then again it's been so long since we've lost a celebrity in their prime, but I hope this tosses a bucket of water on the paparazzi fueled bonfire we're in right now. This serves as a reminder that even though celebrities traffic in fantasy, they're actually all too real.

"She's a human! Leave Britney alone!"

Ugh, now I feel like an asshole again.

PRESSURE!

2008-01-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

I knew that there was a Michael Gira cameo on the new Xiu Xiu album, but I had no fucking clue it was a cover of Queen and Bowie's Under Pressure. How genius. Wow. It's a less faithful cover than "Ice Ice Baby", and loads better than the recent My Chemical Romance stab at the song. The build up to the opening "PRESSURE!" is shiver inducing in a whole new way for the Xiu . I haven't gotten all the way through Woman as Lovers yet. All I can say is that if you weren't onboard for Jamie Stewart's twisted masterwork Fabulous Muscles, than it's not likely this one will stop for you.

[Find the track with HypeMachine. I'm so lazy.]

Input Fields

2008-01-21T15:53:00.002-05:00

I don't really care about The Magnetic Fields, and how am I supposed to when all their album covers look like they were made in Microsoft word? Couldn't they have at least replaced the bathroom sign with one of these dudes

I've Been Stuck In My Genie Bottle Since 1990 and I Was Just Starting to Enjoy the Agony

2008-01-21T15:14:00.000-05:00

Oh look, finally Dior Homme pants I wouldn't need to starve myself to fit into. All this from the house who took the trend of shaggy hair skater teens wearing girls' jeans and turned it into the standard high fashion silhouette of the decade. Of course that was all under a different designer, and I guess hammer pants are as good as anything to discern yourself from your predecessor. I'm just not sure discerning men will embrace it. Who wants to look like I Dream Of Jeannie's gay, goth cousin?

BRB

2008-01-19T20:48:00.001-05:00

Blogger, I love you. I'm just busy fucking around with Tumblr for a hot second. I'll be back to putting too much wasted effort into you quite soon.

I Wish The Stars Could Shine Now

2008-01-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

Hercules & Love Affair only have a 12" out and a couple of tracks making the blog rounds, but they're quickly becoming a favorite. No surprise really as they're on DFA and I'd have to think long and hard to come up with a single track released on anything DFA that I didn't enjoy. Record Label of the decade hands down, and H&LA are going to help further cement that already solid notion.

The two tracks on their 12" inch mix disco with acid, but the blog tracks are more oblique in their disco funk. "Athene" made my top 25 tracks of 2007, and "Blind" is on it's way to capturing the same praise for 2008. Antony (of he & The Johnsons) always makes memorable guest spots, but H&LA cast him as a disco diva and place his unmistakable croon amongst electro and horns and it sounds as natural as it does amongst his usual haunting torch lit backgrounds.

Hercules and Love Affair ft. Antony Hegarty :: "Blind"
Note to Hercules, Love Affair, or interested lawyers - I'm not sure what the modern mp3 sharing etiquitte is anymore. If I'm being rude, let me know.

Thankfully a full length is due in the spring, but to further curb your appetite you can get a legit free download of "Hercule's Theme" here.

OMFG HE PULLED IT OUT AN ENVELOPE?

2008-01-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

If I got a MacBook Air what would happen first: Would I fill its teeny tiny hardrive with illegally downloaded music or would I break its itty bitty body in half?

I broke my iBook in half long before I filled it up.

But seriously he pulled it out of an envelope. That's what you put letters in, not computers.

The answer, be tee dubs, is neither b/c I'm broke. Thanks for playing.

Thnks Fr Th Obammrs

2008-01-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

Pete Wentz is so determined to turn out the Guyliner vote for Obama he's hosting a fund raiser for him and as printed out these shirts.

A logo based off a tattoo five inches away from Wentz Cock, followed by 'obama', followed by the clumsiest political slogan ever.

Really though, people who wear girl jeans should really stick with their own and vote Hillary.

Rant. 3...2...1...

I'm really perturbed by the idea that voting for Obama is more "cool". I guess there is a notion of going against the grain and against the perceived pre-selected candidate. Really though Obama raised more money than Clinton. Sure some of that was from small donors, but the majority was from rich people and the Democratic establishment. If anything I think Obama was just as much pre-selected as Clinton. He's not a left-field candidate; he's had his praise and polish from the establishment. Then there's the thought that electing a black man is more radical than electing a chick. Race is becoming a murkier subject in America, but Gender norms are still heavily ingrained. Electing a woman challenges those notions as well as ones about family and sexuality. Of course, Obama's main cool point is that he was against the war from the start. A lot of Hillary supporters point out that if he was in the senate he may very well have voted for it to. Whatever, fuck the war. I'm sick of hearing about it. I don't care about what was said then, I care about now. The best we can ask for at this point is a candidate who won't sink a bajillion more dollars into it.

The Innermost Erotic Motorcycle Fantasies Of My High School Principal

2008-01-14T12:45:00.000-05:00

Barron Collier High School has had it's share of totally jaw dropping scandals. Most of them involve NAMBLA.

To review: My Senior year one of the school board members got caught having an affair with a boy on his Son's (Columbine wannabe btw, but that's another story) baseball team, and then after it exploded in the press he shot himself in a play ground. A few years after I graduated my Band teacher Mr. Branson, a former district teacher of the year, got caught in a similar situation with a 13-year-old boy, and is now serving twelve years in jail. Of course these things come in threes, but this time around it has nothing to do with pedophilia, and everything to do with desperate middle-age motorcycle porn fantasies and hence is beyond hilarious. Thank God.

My High School Principal Ron Miller was really into Harleys. Every year at orientation he rode his through his gym, sometimes he'd ride it around the track at football games. Like most things that impresses jocks and dads it was really lame. Bikers are pretty much the saddest subculture. They all think they're rebels riding around on two wheels while society dictates they should be on four, but really can they find some fantasy game that doesn't burn so much oil? I mean we're facing an environmental crisis here, and let's not even get into why we're in Iraq. Play pirates or something. But back to Ronny, he got caught sending naughty emails to a biker chick through school computers. Here's some selected excerpts. *lol* dOn'T rEaD iF yOu JuSt aTe *lol*

Sad Bike Ho: "I love to ride Harleys. I consider them to be the worlds largest vibrator...Never finished riding that I didn't have at least one orgasms, usually I have three or four....I'm being a bit fast but then your a Harley owner too, and that syas something about you." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

High School Principal: "Because that model of Harley vibrated more than the other and after 75 miles [ a female rider] would be ready to stop and be taken care of............!" ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Part of the customaization is a raised knob on the seat in just the right position to keep me happy. I rode to and from Sturgis in a perpetual state of arousal. Fortunately I road with a girl friend who was suffering as much as I was. You can guess what happened when we stopped at night." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "I climg on the bike facing you with my legs around your waist. So now instead of handle grips to hold on to, you have my boobs. And if possible I'll work your gear shift deep inside and make us bother happy, several times." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

HSP: "when you climb on the bike this time I will provide the 'raised knob' that you can lower yourself on and grip the handle bars hard while I reach around and steady you holding your breasts." ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Maybe if we can find a rural road we can go for a midnight ride in that erotic position you described. I'll drive while you steer, kinda like plug and play, Hmmmmm??" ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

HSP: "since you have that lovely 'bikegirl' in you that I love I would assume that instead of "oral sex", I can just say "blowjob" or something like..... "as you suck my cock" ... this will be fun even though typing with one hand can take awhile!!! :)" super ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

SBH: "Gawd I have a huge wet spot in my jeans"

I think we all do at this point, but oh wait there's totally one more hot leathery quote:

"Persuant to School Board policy and administrative procedures, this e-mail system is the property of the School District of Collier County and to be used for official business only. In addition, all users are cautioned that messages sent through this system are subject to the Public Record Law of the State of Florida and also to review by the school system. There should be no expectation of privacy."

Which is at the end of every single fucking email he sends and receives. Holy Shit, what a fuckwad. Have you ever heard of hotmail? I guess Bikers are too busy spitting on the norms of proper middle adulthood to read warnings. Anyway this allows him to get caught, and also for the local paper to put the emails online as a pdf file.

Also there is no way this chick is for real. She must be a post-op tranny who ended up missing her penis, so naturally got herself a motorcycle a.k.a. super powerful pseudo-dick. Well, you can read more about here.

Related: My favorite history teacher just admitted to some light espionage work on behalf of the School Board. John C. Calhoooooooooooooon, indeed.

5 People I Wish Weren't On The Beach: Display and Observation On South Beach

2008-01-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Crowded beaches, South Beach especially, carry a not-so-subtle undercurrent of casting you as audience or performer. We can't help but oogle others in their swim suits, while being terrified or excited that others are judging us in ours. With a hundred people situated on the beach all facing the ocean, the shoreline becomes a sort of stage. Some people take this notion way too far. Here's a list of some people I witnessed doing just that today:

1. Frisbee Guy, you were doing things I didn't know one could do with a frisbee. Hey, when you made it ride your lip that was pretty cool, but the thing is you're on-the-lower-side-of-morbidly obese, old, and hairy. It's cool that you still remember tricks your crazy uncle taught you when you were 12, but the fact that you were so very concentrated on doing them, and that you were totally alone was depressing. Maybe some one would come up and talk to you if this was a park and you were fully dressed, but face it you're going to have to juggle like 5 flaming frisbees to get someone to get over the site of you hairy man-tit and acknowledge you.

2. I witnessed a new sport I didn't know existed today: Kick Vollyball! Totally appropriate for a "wtf is going on? hey that's kinda neat" glance. Not enthralling enough to sit down directly next to a full garbage to watch for hours like one old man did. I'm sure he was totally engaged in the pick-up game and not at all in the fact that everyone playing it was a muscley latino in a speedo.

3. Debra never thought she'd find love after Bobby Lee left her for her one-armed cousin, that is until she met Miguel. Sure Miguel was 10 years younger, but Debra found his Puerto Rican charm irresistible. Besides, maybe if Debra died her hair bleach blond, got an unsightly tattoo on her thigh and wore way-too revealing outfits no one would notice that she was pushing 40. She'd do anything to keep scrawny Miguel. Even forgive him for a lil' abuse now and then, but when he yelled at her "bitch, don't talk like that" and put his hands around her neck in front of hundreds of other beach goers she wondered if it was really worth it.

4. Oh, hey, how's the bird watching today? Oh, wait those aren't birds your watching at all through those binoculars are they? You're not even going to try and hide the fact that you're staring at chicks tits, are you? You're just going to stand on the beach with a pair of binoculars looking at fun bags? Alone? Wearing khakis? for three hours? You've lost all shame, haven't you?

5. Scientific studies show that beach goer's favorite activity by far is lying down. While lying down some beach goers read, others nap, some talk quietly with a friend, a few enjoy quiet introspection. However, very few of these lying-down related activities are enhanced by having a fucking drum circle going on 3 yards away. Really, who the fuck brings drums to the beach, sits down in a crowded area, and precedes to "get there jam on" for most of the afternoon. Fuck you and your maraca accompaniment.

Of course there's always one demographic I'm always more than happy to see at the beach: Babies in water wings! *null in void if those fuckers start crying.

Excuse My Beauty Lateness on this Already Tired To Death Subject

2008-01-12T18:16:00.000-05:00

Discovering the voting section of I Can Has Cheezburger so soon before classes start probably doesn't bode well for my paying attention in class with an open laptop skills. There's a million lost lolCat gems in there. This one is inspired by a Cops Video/YouTube phenom about a drunken tranny hooker/balloon thief. Originally I thought the quote was from vh1's Rock of Love, you know how easy it is to confuse groupie reality whores and gross trannys these days.

Oh my God, they have a dog site too?

Blogadict Arnold

2008-01-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

I know I'm about eleven glorious, well written, extremely informative and enlightening, witty posts into this new blogging initiative. I know that they all have titles that break new ground in term of cleverness, and aren't at all exercises in lazy stupidity, this one included. I know that this blog layout is pretty-gorgeous reaching Heidi Montag levels of attractiveness. BUT I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun on returning to ye ol' blog spot. I know it's owned by Google, and most everything owned by Google is incredibly hip and amazing and the best in the field. I don't even talk to people who don't use g-mail, through email or in person. However Tumblr is looking pretty cute. Never mind that I don't even understand what makes it different or better than Blogger in practice. I just know that it looks better and all the "cool" kids are using it, and that's enough for me.

Of course if I moved now I'd be in danger of loosing a sizable quantity of my staggering audience.

I will probably put more thought into this then into my unwavering support of Hilary Clinton, but less thought than into how to milk a clever post out of the fact that I just watched Greg The Bunny on DVD last night. Hey Remember that show? Foul mouthed puppets, lol.

For Your Breath Frehsining Information.

2008-01-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

Tic Tacs spearmint and Tic Tacs fresh mint flavors taste really gross together. Like shockingly gross.

Project Runway LOLs

2008-01-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

Someone explain to me why the designers on last night's Project Runway giggled when their high school aged models came out for the prom-dress challenge? I mean, shouldn't they get used to dressing 15 year olds, or even 12 year olds? Even Judge Micahel Kors used a 16 year old in his latest ads. Oh wait, only chubby teenagers with normal cheekbones are lol-inducing. Think back to your high school years and confirm that for yourself.

Our Flame Still Flickers

2008-01-10T16:04:00.000-05:00

I think I jumped the gun on bemoaning the possible loss of Hilary Clinton as a presidential hope. I mean how could I forget that she's sold her soul to the devil to become the Antichrist, conspires with neo-nazis and evil Arabs while somehow being a socialist, has the ability to cry magic tears that emit a gas which changes peoples' votes? So reassuring.

I think the main reasons I like Hillary is because a) how hilarious is it going to be when she's president b) how fun is it going to see the right's worse night mare come true after eight years of total bullshit c) all the dark secrets in the world and hateful bile have been brought up about her and still somehow she succeeds d) if she's really such a cold, calculating, devoted bitch well then she'll make an excellent president in terms of getting things done.

You Down With ICP? Yeah! You Know Me!

2008-01-09T16:11:00.000-05:00

ICP makes a calm, carefully textured sound that stands out even among their labelmates: Their setup, made up mostly of mids and lows, conveys a spacious, carefully sculpted paranoia...

From Dusted's profile of the Insane Clown Posse. Oh, wait its actually the Invisible Conga People, who just signed to Italians Do It Better and are actually really really nice, despite having initials with serious baggage.

Simulated Sex With Hillary Clinton

2008-01-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

Remember when we were all just supposed to bend over and let Hillary Clinton slide up our ...inaguration parade? *SIGH*, how I miss those days. Oh Iowa, what have you done?

It's not that I don't like Obama, he's fine. It's just that I like my politicians to take it nice and slow, not rush into anything. Hillary's been flirting with America since Bill's presidential campaign. There were always those jokes about her being co-president, but really could she be interested in us? She finally made a move on our health care one night, but the timing wasn't right, and it kind of got screwed up and it was just awkward. We didn't really talk for a while, but everyonce in a while we'd catch a glimpse of her and realized we still had feelings. The flirting started getting heavy again. In fact she was so busy seducing us, she forgot about Bill's needs, but y'know what? We loved her even more for it. Then she finally stopped teasing us, shoved her hands down our pants and grabbed on to one of our houses of congress. We know she meant business now. Hot. Hot. Hot. It got some of us so riled up they started writting erotic fiction about the idea. In 2004 she kind of left us with blue balls, but it couldn't work then. It wasn't the right time. Finally in the begining of 2007 she came into our study one night wearing nothing but a frilly robe and was like "here I am baby, take me", and we almost shot our load then.

Now though we may never get our 8 years in heavan with Hillary. Thanks alot Obama, you sure our a smooth talker and all, but you've ruined a beautiful relationship. You're still young, we would have gladly waited 8 years for you, and it would be even better because you'd be even more experienced.

I'm not even going to continue the sex metaphor with the discussion of Huckabee getting into our pants, it's just so wrong on so many levels.

I Really Shouldn't Encourage This

2008-01-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

The night before the night before Christmas, and yes that is a miniskirt. Just to clarify this is not a photo essay about date rape, this is a photo essay about cousins.

And We Don't Care About The Clean Up On Aisle Six

2008-01-06T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm in publix and "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Harold Melvin & The Bluenotes is playing in the background, and this is a perfectly acceptable grocery store song. Everyone knows it even if they have to Google the lyrics to remember the name of the artist, its completely unoffensive, and its nice to have a familiar but unattached tune in my head when I'm shopping for lemons. Everything is fine, and then "Young Folks" by Peter, Bjorn and John comes on. How did this go from blogs to supermarket soundtracks without touching mainstream radio?

Seriously I thought this song and "D.A.N.C.E." by Justice were going to be big break out songs on coporate radio (which is why they didn't get many spins on WVUM), in the vein of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". Instead they're relegated to college radio, and used as "hey, look we're hip, we're cool, we're with it" tunes by (Kanye West and) people who program instore music. I've also heard that familiar Swedish whistle in Gap and Guess. As for coporate radio, the left-field, out of nowhere hit of the summer was "Hey There Delilah" which I think was written in an elementary school song writing workshop. I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't think "Folks" and "D.A.N.C.E." are catchy could-be-hits. They even both have candy coated animated videos. Yet turn on y100 and you'll hear some Ne-Yo penned R&B schlock with nasely lyrics and a T-Payne cameo, and then wonder why the music business is in a bigger nose-dive than it should be.

Miami International Airport x Britto = Unfortunate

2008-01-05T14:48:00.000-05:00

The problem with allowing an artist (using the term loosely) to design Airport staff uniforms is that any one that would actually accept the job probably shouldn't be allowed to do it. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of artists and designers who would have divine visions for such a project I'm sure, but local politicians probably couldn't name (or agree on) one of them. Of course they're going to go after big name commercial artists, and the ones that could actually produce something tasteful are holding out for a Louis Vuitton bag deal.

This is all besides the point though. These shirts didn't come about as a way to paint Miami as a artistic city, but from the continued branding of the city that some how involves Britto in all his tackiness. Note to Miami leaders: Disney World isn't an actual city, stop trying to pattern the town after it.

As a side note, if we really wanted something so clashy wouldn't it be cute to have M.I.A. design the MIA uniforms?

[Image from Local Ten via Critical Miami]

Technicolor Nightmare Hair

2008-01-03T02:21:00.001-05:00

from top left on clockwise: Brtiney Spears, I watch too much tween TV, I watch too much toddler TV, M.I.A.
Either you ladies are going to have to stop wearing these wigs or I'm going to keep having nightmares about Anna Wintour chasing me through downtown LSD City.

Balenciaga Motorcycle Diapers Coming Soon

2008-01-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

Do you know how late I am on this? Almost exactly three months. This is what happens when you don't have a blog to vent stupid observations on inane topics, like the Balenciaga Spring 2008 RTW line.

There was a rumor going around that Paul Bettany hated this dress so much when Jennifer Connoly wore it that they got in a tiff, until it came to its natural conclusion and they fucked in the bathroom during whatever premier they were at. So the collection is back in my mind. Ghesquière said he wanted to concentrate more on single outfits instead of just pieces to mix'n'match, but if you look at woman today most of them are all about mixing'n'matching. In fact the only females who wear pre-arranged outfits any more are under the age of five. Short, but not at all revealing, onsies that look like they're cut from flower-puke fabirc, it's straight from the baby isle. Seriously google image search "baby dresses", you'll see what I mean. Sure, there's some inovative craft here, but the final product is a bit insulting to woman.

This all brings me back to my original point that Paul Bettany is obviously arroused by grown woman in baby clothes, and as much as he tries to fight it, he can't.

Remarkable Success

2008-01-02T12:59:00.000-05:00

I started this blog in May 2005 and two and a half years latter I have 17 posts. Outstanding.

Well, I think some blog-wounds have finally blog-healed with blog-time, and I'm ready to blog-blog blogain.

Ahaha, crappy puns, the best way to restart any project. Blog.

My Favorite Tracks of the Year More or Less

2007-12-22T13:17:00.000-05:00

Download all of them here or
In Alphabetical Order with Sendspace Links:

Amon Tobin "Always" download
Animal Collective "Peacebone (Pantha Du Prince Remix)" download
Animal Collective "Cuckoo Cuckoo" download
Bark Bark Bark "Haunts" download
Battles "Atlas" download
Britney Spears "Gimme More" download
Chromatics "Running Up That Hill" download
Cocorosie "Werewolf" download
Copy "This Is Promotional" download
Daedelus "Hermitage" download
Emperor Machine "Front Man (Idjut Boys Girthius Maximus Mix)" download
Eric Copeland "La Booly Boo" download
Glass Candy "Candy Castle" download
Grizzly Bear "Little Brother (electric)" download
Hercules and Love Affair "Athene" download
In Flagranti "Nonplusultra (Black Devil Remix)" download
The Knife "Marble House (Emperor Machine Remix)" download
M.I.A. "Bamboo Banger" download
Matthew Dear "Don and Sherri (Hot Chip Version)" download
Muscles "Sweaty" download
Panther "Use Your Mouth To Breath" download
Rihanna "Umbrella" download
Shackleton "Blood On My Hands (R. Villalobos Apocalypso Now Mix)" download
White Williams "New Violence" download
Yeasayer "Sunrise" download

25 Best Albums I Heard in 2007

2007-12-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

1. Various Artist After Dark
ChromaticsNight Drive (IV)
Glass Candy B/E/A/T/B/O/X Italians Do It Better
I always hated when rock'n'roll history shows showed stock footage of rock fans with "Death to Disco" signs. If they only knew that in 2007 disco is what's keeping rock alive. Joy Division Baselines + Italo Disco Flair + Bored-by-Rioting Grrl Vocals = Italians. Johnny Jewel have my babies.

2. Panda Bear Person Pitch Paw Tracks
I remember I accidentally took two different otc pain relievers. It made me feel weird, and I sat in the car listening to this album while the rain dripped down my windshield, distorting the straight lines on the other side of it. I was so transfixed that I even started videotaping my windshield thinking it was something I needed to share. The point is: even with the weakest drugs this album makes you feel amazing.

3. Burial Untrue Hyperdub
The first album snuck by me somehow last year, but it made finding his even-better follow up that much better. Sorta stunning. I'm also "tickled" by the fact that this seems to be a break-up record.

4. M.I.A. Kala Interscope
I just heard this album playing in Urban Outfitters an hour ago, and yet the subject matter is supposed to be about third world rebellion or something of that nature. I don't know how anyone is supposed to rebel when they're caught off guard with beats this bonkers. Makes you wanna grab the lattest Henry Holland rip-off tee and head to the club.

5. Various Artists Milky Disco Lo
There's room enough for two disco comps on this list. Milky Disco sums up nicely the current cosmic-disco scene on one disc even when it's made up so far of limited 12" and mp3 blog remixes. Black Leotard Front's "Casual Friday" is one of my favorite songs, and thank god it begot an entire genre.

6. LCD Soundsystem Sound of Silver DFA
Irony is dead. Blame blogs and trucker hats. Sorry James Murphey, I guess you'll have to find something else to tinge your lyrics with. How about actual emotion? Oh you did, and you say the music is actually better because of it?

7. Von Südenfed Tromatic Reflexxions Domino
Electro is the new punk. exhibit a: kids can get a hold of cracked ableton software easier than they can a guitar. exhibit b: Mark E. Smith got together with Mouse on Mars and made a record that blew his latest Fall album, and most other albums, out of the water.

8. Soft Circle Full Bloom Eastern Development
9. Pantha Du Prince This Bliss Dial
Two albums full or gorgeous sound scapes. They don't inspire much cute writing, but they're marvelous for studying or other quiet moments. Pump up the volume and they become all consuming.

10. Justice † Ed Banger/Vice
Life is too short for just one Daft Punk.

13 Honorable Mentions:
Akron/Family Love is Simple Young God
Angels of Light We Are Him Young God
Animal Collective Strawberry Jam Domino
Battles Mirrored Warp
Gui Boratto Chromophobia Kompact
Cocorosie The Adventures of Ghost Horse and Stillborn Touch & Go
Eric Copeland Hermaphrodite Paw Tracks
Matthew Dear Asa Bread Ghostly International
Dirty Projectors Rise Above Dead Oceans
Map of Africa Map of Africa Whatever We Want
Odd Nosdam Level Live Wire Anticon
The Shocking Pinks The Shocking Pinks DFA
White Williams Smoke TigerBeat6

Friendliest EPs of 2007

2007-12-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

1. Daedelus - Fair Weather Friends ninjatunes

2. Grizzly Bear - Friend EP warp

3. LCD Soundystem - All My Friends dfa

EPs are kind of back, and I thought a year end recap would be nice. When I realized that the first three I jotted down for consideration all had 'friend' in there name I decided that was an even better list. Ween can suck it.

Well All Fucking Right!

2007-11-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

I went to the soda machine to buy a Diet Coke, and it was one of those soda machine with the conveyor belt. Well guess what mother fuckers? There was a Dasani already on the converyor belt. So, this is so exciting, I got a Dasani and a Diet Coke for just the price of a Diet Coke. Can you believe it? Can any one? If it didn't happen to me, I don't think I could accept it as reality.

How does that suit you? Personally it suits me pretty fucking well, thanks for asking.

Size 14 Skinny Stretch Pants

2007-09-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday at job that pays but eats my soul (more commonly known as clothing retail) a mother came in looking for a pair of pants for her young, size 16 daughter. She specified they be black and made with stretch material. With out thinking I grabbed the only black pants with stretch in the store. We only had them in a 14 but she said that was fine. Shortly after the girl went into the fitting room I realized that those pants are actually a skinny fit. I had sent an overweight 15 year old girl into the fitting room with stretchy skinny pants a size too small. Slowly recovering from teenage obesity myself I should have been a bit more careful. I ran to grab the "curvy" fit pants we had in a 16 and gave them to her mom.

I guess she tried them on too, but she still came out with red, wet eyes.

Out Of Context Exetential AIM Mumblings

2007-09-18T11:04:00.000-04:00

iruniran: i should just facebook mssg
iruniran: "i love you, let's hang out"
oliver: who
oliver: WHO
iruniran: anyone
iruniran: ..everyone

oliver: and his mom who is bipolar and skitzoo
iruniran: my mom is bipolar too
iruniran: i dont go around telling people that so they'll sleep with me

Offered in your local Walmart

2005-06-08T03:04:00.000-04:00

16309270_94f927c86b
Originally uploaded by iruniran. I think when you buy one of these, you should realize you have a bit of a problem.

wow.

What's Your Take on von Trier?

2005-06-04T18:08:00.000-04:00

I spontaneously rented Dogville today at Blockbuster, after another movie I had wanted to see was out. When I got home I realized that Dogville had a nearly three hour run time, so I decided to look it up on Metacritic. It had a metascore 0f 59, and the critics virtually split down the middle.

The first few reviews give it a perfect score, and the quotes on Metacritic non-shalantly call it a masterpiece.
"It really is a masterpiece--von Trier's first, as it happens. "
"von Trier's strongest movie--a masterpiece, in fact."

As I scrolled down to the reviews in the 80's and 90's the critics get a little poetic.
"This galvanizing cinematic work is also gorgeous, experimental, alive with a Scandinavian strain of chutzpah, and artistically elegant."
"Dogville is a compelling chamber piece with constant cinematic surprises."

The reviews in the 70's start using the tired cliche 'not for everyone'.
"Not for everyone. It is darkly funny, intellectually challenging and obliquely didactic"
"Dogville isn't for everyone, but there's some intellectually stimulating conversation fodder for those with the patience to navigate the film's rough terrain. "

Critics who ranked it a little lower on the scale thought it was well intentioned, yet doesn't quite work.
"May be the most fascinating, richly accomplished screw-up you'll see all year."
"Von TrierÂs vision is amazingly thorough and exquisitely executed, but the audience may feel executed as well. "
"A film that works as a demonstration of how a good idea can go wrong."

The reviews in the 50 to 40 a range point to it's excessive run time.
"A provocation, a coup de thÃ©Ã¢tre and three hours of tedious experimentation."
"Life is too short for three hours of misanthropy and misogyny."

The Scores around 30 start to call it lofty artistic dribble, that could have been great.
"Lars von Trier's latest thingamabob is a large, pretentious blob of coulda-been."
"It's a brilliant idea, for about 10 minutes."

The 20-ish scores bust out the word "misanthropy" alot.
"He doesn't even try here, and his arrogance is topped only by his misanthropy."
"Dogville is as total a misanthropic vision as anything control freak Stanley Kubrick ever turned out. "

The lowest score put all nicetiesies aside and call it straight up pretentious shit.
"A symphony for tin ears, a sniggering assessment of human nature delivered with the faux-lofty tone of a Lexus commercial. "
"What Lars von Trier has achieved is avant-gardism for idiots. From beginning to end, Dogville is obtuse and dislikable, a whimsical joke wearing cement shoes."

What the Christ? Was there some sort of standardized guide to rating it sent out with the press kit on this thing? "If you think it's the greatest movie ever go ahead and through in the phrase 'masterpiece', but make it seem off the cuff" "If you hated it make sure to note it's misanthropy." "If you're not sure what the fuck you just saw call it 'not for everyone' and give it a slightly better than average score".

Thanks a lot crowned Criticocrecy of America. Now I'm going to actually have to watch this three hobehemothath and make up my own god damned on.

Darth Condi

2005-06-03T15:01:00.000-04:00

Another Star Wars post? Following a Fat Actress post none the less. I really need to get with it. However I couldn't help but blog about my most recent genius observation. Everyone is talking about the political undertones in Return of the Sith, but no one has noticed the scary correlation between Darth Vader and Condeleezza Rice (handy chart and shabby photoshop included to illustrate).

Darth Vader
Former Jedi
Seduced by emperor to Sith
Secretly married Padme
Who names their kid Anakin?
Born into slavery
once a total hottie
Nicknamed Ani
Talks funny
Wears dark suit and leather boots
Replacement after Count Dukku was killed
No observable emotions
High ranking member of corrupt Government
etc. etc. etc.

Condoleezza Rice
Former Democrat
Seduced by the Bushies to the GOP
Has to be secretly boning someone
Who names their kid Condoleezza?
I really shouldn't touch this one
Still a total hottie
Nicknamed Condi
Talks funny
Wears Dark suit and leather boots
Replacement after Colin Powell forced out
No observable emotions
High ranking member of corrupt Government
etc. etc. etc.

Of course when the original Star Wars came out Condi was still working on her PhD, so how could George Lucas create a character with such striking similarities? Perhaps the Bush Administration based Condi on Darth Vadar. I know that sounds weird, but it wouldn't be the first time Bush tried to bring classic science fiction to life.

An Explaination of this Blog

2005-05-31T15:47:00.000-04:00

You'll notice that the current title of this blog is I Started A Blog, because I couldn't come up with any reason to blog besides the fact that everyone more or less was doing it. The idea started because I'm out of school for the summer with nothing to do, so I started reading various B L O G S. I'm bored, people have convinced me I can write all right, and basically I'm an internet whore. So I started this blog.

rockthisinternet: I want to take up smoking
semiserious: Why?
rockthisinternet: because i want to kill myself slowly
semiserious: me too
rockthisinternet: i need to get a hobby
semiserious: I was thinking that too. I bought a nice camera, but I can't take my self seriously as a photographer.
semiserious: so now I want to start a blog.
rockthisinternet: i thought about starting a blog
rockthisinternet: but i have nothing interesting to write about
semiserious: yeah well that's true of most blogs, but it doesn't stop them

I'm not entirely new to the lameness of blogging. I have a livejournal, but the point of livejournal is to complain about your parents/life/friends (I started an entry last night with "My parents are so selfish....") and start lots of drama (I also had a wee political bloggish thing at one point, but I was 17 and there's no need to talk of that). So I was set on starting a blog, but I needed content...

N1ck|notatwork: buy a domain
N1ck|notatwork: use MT or WP
N1ck|notatwork: pick a topic
semiserious: I think my topic is going to be how witty I think I am.
semiserious: so obviously it's going to be wildly successful

duffey: what do you intend to post there
because if it's something artistic i'm going to call you a faggot
duffey: and if not i'm calling you a faggot anyway >:O
semiserious: ew I'm not an artist
astronaut_adam: duffey feels strongly about this
astronaut_adam: strongly

...and a name...

kristen: *is listening to Screwed by Paris Hilton*
kristen: omg this song is like my life
semiserious: ParisHiltonIsLikeAllOfUs
kristen: that's the name for your new blog
semiserious: See, I was thinking about it, and to make my blog unique I wasn't going to talk about Paris Hilton.
kristen: good idea
semiserious: If I had to I'd refer to here as "that certain blonde floozy socialite"
semiserious: but I think that we may be coming apon a time in History where there may be too many of those for people to realize who I was talking about.

...although in the end I have my default name, and no discernable topic. Although the blog was received warmly.

semiserious: http://semiserious.blogspot.com/
astronaut_adam: no one
astronaut_adam: is going to read that
astronaut_adam: no one
(Adam likes to repeat himself)

If it was possible I'm sure things will go down hill from here, but who knows I might end up on the Blogebrity A list, or more realistically at least on some lame blog rolls.

Tivo monolouge is such shit.

2005-05-28T01:39:00.000-04:00

How is Carson Daily still on the air?

God. With posts like this the traffic on this blog is going to be through the roof in no time. THE ROOF.

"All I see is numbers, I don't know how to type words on my phone."

2005-05-28T01:13:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure I just helped my Mom flirt via text message.
This summer is a living hell.

What?

2005-05-27T15:14:00.000-04:00

Last night did I actually start a blog?
Seriously?
I'm pretty sure I was completely sober.

I Started A Blog

2005-05-27T00:50:00.000-04:00

semiserious: http://semiserious.blogspot.com/
astronaut_adam: no one
astronaut_adam: is going to read that
astronaut_adam: no one

omgz

2005-05-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

first entry ya'll